Parents Protect, Prepare and Some Pimp

teen sexUnder NO CIRCUMSTANCE is it acceptable to let your teenager’s girlfriends or boyfriends visit UNSUPERVISED and certainly to NEVER, EVER spend the night.

Hormones are active. It’s a FACT and it’s NORMAL but they are NOT READY for the ripple effects of having sex. They might still figure out how to get some if they want it but if you’re not PROTECTING your children, you’re NOT PARENTING them! Don’t make it easy for them.teen pregnancy

And Mothers (more than fathers but sometimes they do too): you have to STOP coercing your daughter’s love interests with money, lodging & treating them as your own to keep him with her. That’s not parenting, it’s PIMPING and that’s FAR FROM GROWN. #LiveInTheGrownZone

When YOU live in the Grown Zone, your children will grow up in your shadows and make grown decisions too – even if it takes them a while you will have provided reference points for them when they get in trouble. THAT’S YOUR JOB!

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PooNannie Lessons From The Barbershop, Introduction Part 2

I learned early growing up in my daddy’s barbershop that my PooNannie is my responsibility! Girls, you have a responsibility and boys have a responsibility too, but you won’t take the same paths to become responsible adults.

My Daddy conditioned me to not be a boy/man’s play thing; to love me more than a I loved a boy/man. We all have different paths…none are any better than the other, they are all just different. But our experiences have a lot to do with who we are, including the decisions we make as it relates to sex. This video describes the foundation of my journey and can help you to start sorting what needs REconditioning in your life, for the rest of your journey.

As I said in Part I, I am not in any way saying that my father’s “way” is the only way, but I am saying that as a parent, you need to figure out how to communicate this message across to your children!

Here we grow…Grown IS Sexy! ;-)

If you enjoyed this, please share it with your Social Media friends.

All the best,
Zara
Speaker, Individuality Advocate
Author of Living by Design and Living in Harmony

PooNannie Lessons From The Barbershop, Introduction Part 1

I learned early growing up in my daddy’s barbershop that my PooNannie is my responsibility!

Everybody gets to choose what kind of parent they will be and we each have lived unique experiences because of our parent’s choices…none are any better than the other, they are all just different. But our experiences have a lot to do with who we are, including the decisions we make as it relates to sex. This video describes the foundation of my journey.

Now, I am not in any way saying that my father’s “way” is the only way, but I am saying that as a parent, you need to figure out how to communicate this message across to your children!

Here we grow…Grown IS Sexy! ;-)

If you enjoyed this, please share it with your Social Media friends.

All the best,
Zara
Speaker, Individuality Advocate
Author of Living by Design and Living in Harmony

My Father Invaded My Privacy

“I’ve never told any of y’all this but I recorded every conversation y’all had.” He went on to say, “You are my children, this is my house, you were using my phone and it was my responsibility to know what you were doing and to protect you, “ he said and then he fell out laughing.

I just hung up the phone with Daddy – he’d held that all this time. He said, “What’s it been now Baby, over 20 years since you moved out? I figure I’d go ahead and tell you now,” as he cracks himself up laughing!

What was I doing as he shared this? I was laughing hysterically with him. Why? Because that is who my Daddy is and, while I didn’t know he was doing it, I’m not, at all surprised.

Parents, please DON'T!

I’m always troubled, okay let me just tell the truth, PERTURBED by what I call “loosey-goosey ass parenting” – more concerned with being a child’s friend than their parent. As a parent there should be times when your child doesn’t like you, at all! Times when they want something really badly, but don’t have the wisdom to know how it won’t be to their advantage because they’re not developed enough to understand, but you;  and when you refuse to bend because you care more about protecting them than being disliked (for a period of time) by them.

We repeatedly heard, “I don’t give a damn how you feel about what I’ve told you to do, just do it!” Daddy didn’t bite his tongue, and every threat he ever made he followed through on. We were very clear about where “the line” was with Daddy and we wouldn’t dare cross it!

Was it fear? YEP! A very healthy fear. Fear based on respect for the man who worked very hard to provide more than we needed, but never all that we wanted – balance is so key!

He never told any of us he loved us (while we were young) and we never doubted that he did because love is an action word. One that is not always about what you do for your children. It is also about what you won’t permit and allowing them to do.

Too many parents want to be the “cool parent” and they fail to discipline and establish/reinforce rules. Children will have a lifetime to develop friendships, but only a sliver of time to be parented and that’s sliver prepares them for a lifetime!

Every one of us has rules to follow in life, so should your children. And they should understand that, early!

Respect wasn’t something my parents had to ask for, and we were more reverent of them than we were afraid. When a child doesn’t learn to revere at home, they’ll not just grant that honor on anybody when they leave your house.  A child know their loved when there’s boundaries, rules and discipline and when they get into the real world and see that the home prepared them to respect boundaries, follow rules and has given them the tools to then discipline themselves that’s when the appreciation kicks in.

No they don’t like it when it happens, but they love you more when they have points of reference later in life and that’s what parents are supposed to provide!

Daddy was always a step ahead of me and my siblings. Along with having the village who was quick to tell on us (even whip our tails if we really deserved it) he also had the recorded conversations which he kept downstairs in their bedroom out of clear view (and we wouldn’t DARE go through their things). So when we asked to go somewhere and told a story about where we were going and with whom, our recorded conversations would confirm our truth or reveal our lying asses and Daddy would permit us or deny us based on them.

No, he wasn’t invading my privacy. He was protecting me from my own stupidity and I love him all the more for that! He used the latest technologies to keep us safe. Parents today have far more tools available to them and I think they should use them…all of them!

Who knows how much of my youthful stupidity he protected me from? All I know is that his answer was “no” a lot more than it was “yes”, and he established with us early that “No” was a complete sentence.

So thank you, Daddy for using whatever means necessary to invade my privacy! Maybe if more parents would, they’d have less surprises about what their children are REALLY doing and can better guide them, and protect the rest of us.

Tell me what you think…do you think your underage children should have privacy – something in their lives that you should not know about?

If you enjoyed this, please share it with your Social Media friends.

All the best,
Zara
Speaker, Individuality Advocate
Author of Living by Design and Living in Harmony

SEX and Your Children: What are YOU Doing?

If you’re over 35 you’re, likely, AS blown away as I am with teen sex today – not just that more of them are having sex (not all)  – regardless of how we feel about it I think most of us have come to grips with it as a fact, but I am so utterly shocked by the stories I hear about the frequency, with whom, and the scope of stuff their doing. For example: several years ago my niece (who was still in high school and a bit of a late bloomer) passed on going to a party and I asked why? She hesitated at first but then told me what kind of party is was – a Rainbow Party: where all the girls wear different colored lipstick, the boys line up and the girls take turns pleasuring them! I was SO BESIDE MYSELF!! I don’t think I slept a wink that night.

Message to the High School Ho
Remember the biggest Ho in your high school? Today she’d be considered a SAINT! If that was you, Honey, these kids have so OUT-HO’D you! I’m talking to degrees that are, again, mind blowing, so let it go, Girl! Next to them, you’ve got NOTHING to be ashamed of. Not only that, y’all know I’m from the school of – “we do what we know to do” and we all deserve room to grow even the kids today, so NEXT Decision BETTER.

Morals – Okay, Religion – NOT!

We can talk morals, which I believe people can have without religion (although many will argue that the lack of religion is why we have the lack of morals – I disagree), but since we’re not in a church I’d prefer it if, for this discussion, that we steer free from factoring in religious beliefs; which would only divide us and push us farther from solutions that we can all use.  Thank you, in advance!

Back to Our Teens
Are y’all talking WITH your children? “With” because it’s AS important for you to listen to what they are saying, to let them TEACH you about social acceptances in their world, hear their specific peer pressures and what they believe about all the information they get when they leave home and YES, what their sexual preferences are.

If you’re NOT talking WITH them about all of these things, then why are you not? If you are, what are you saying to them?  Moreover, what have you learned about them and their sexual perspectives – they’ve got them! I hear parents say, they’re waiting for their children to approach them because they don’t want to broach the subject too soon…tsk, tsk, tsk!

Straight, Gay, Bi, Pan (yep, that’s one now so keep up)
Y’all KNOW I’m all about living your truth, so if you’re gay LIVE IT, PROUDLY and you’ll find a lot of support to do just that! In fact, whatever you determine your truth to be, you’ll find support to live it – and I’m all about that! BUT, I believe young people are such sponges that they need wisdom to help shape their decisions…not to decide for them, but to be amongst what they consider as they are determining what their truth is. Yes, some of your children are gay and your traditional ideology will be challenged so you need to know how to effectively approach, embrace, and navigate life WITH THEM.

STD Rate Skyrocketing: Shit Pills Don’t Cure!
Y’all to put it plainly…when people in my generation were growing up we’d just go get a pill or a shot to cure the sexually transmitted diseases we contracted, (Oh, you didn’t…well welcome to the real world – some of us did and just because you didn’t, didn’t mean you weren’t doing the same things, you just didn’t get caught in this way. Don’t make me dig UNTIL I find some shit on you!) but now-a-days with the many strands of the same diseases it’s getting more difficult to cure them and there’s some shit that a pill just can’t cure and your children are contracting them at greater rates. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?!?!

HIV is the scariest, no doubt, although no longer necessarily a death sentence – herpes, which gets far less attention IS A LIFE SENTENCE; it’s rampant and shows up regularly and for many it is mental and emotional torment! For those infected, it doesn’t matter how it was contracted – it’s a regular reminder of sexual carelessness; their own, or worse, the ones they thought they could trust to tell the truth about their sexual activities and past, but did not! These kinds of challenges have proven too much for adults to handle, how much more tormenting for a child?

“Pleasure-Seeking” Promiscuity
From the stories I’m hearing the biggest issue is PROMISCUITY and its ripple effects. Y’all, THIS anything – anybody “pleasure-seeking” promiscuity teens are engaging in today is SCARY – I mean off the charts and the STD rates support it! Again, y’all KNOW I’m all about living your truth, so this is not a bash on same-sex, sex. If you’re gay LIVE IT, PROUDLY!

The tragedy of sexual intercourse is the perpetual virginity of the soul. ~William B. Yeats

Teaching Adults
As a Personal Growth speaker and trainer I take issues most of us deal with and give universal principles that help people make better decisions so that they can rid themselves of what I call, MFRs (the notions of Mistakes, Failures, and Regrets…none of which I give credence).  Here’s what I’m sure about, many parents avoid the issue of sex because it reminds them of how they’ve handled it and they feel shame, embarrassment or like hypocrites talking to their children, or for many just don’t know how.

OUCH!! It’s a reality for many, but parents have to come from a more empowered place; taking ownership of their lives regardless of past experiences and develop mental and emotional tools that aid them to make better decision as they foster the journey of self development and self leadership. This falls in that category.

We grow in 3 ways: Physically, Mentally and Emotionally (Spiritually). The only one that’s optional is Emotional – Personal Growth – AND it’s the only one that’s going to get up to the point of shifting this course!

Concern/Question from a Young Woman
Before writing this blog, I posted a concern on the Grown IS Sexy! Facebook page and a precious young woman, I met while presenting at the Schomburg Center in Harlem earlier this year expressed concerns about whether adults were willing to hear, moreover willing to do the work to positively impact what’s really going on. Well, I’m asking you, adults – particularly parents of young children – what can you do, what do you think others should be doing, how can we all play a part in changing the course of our children, finally, what are you willing to do? How young does this sex thing have to get?

Watch this video…I think it’s criminal!

Can somebody say “PooNannie Principle Intervention”?!  This child is having sex with her clothes on and don’t even know it! What’s worse is that she learned this from adults (likely her Momma!) Oh, you don’t think it could ever be your child, PooNannie Popping? Really! Maybe not in your presence, but if you’ve got BET and they’re with children everyday at school who CAN PooNannie Pop, Oh YES IT CAN!

In many cases those little people outside of your house will have more influence than you do as a parent! This is NOT everybody else’s problem; it’s yours too! Now what are you prepared to do about it? How far is too far? Am I trying to provoke you, ABSOLUTELY!

So, talk to me, please! And with all due respect…again, in my opinion, this is NOT ABOUT RELIGION so please refrain.

Here we GROW again…Grown IS Sexy! 😉

Doing IT Better with ZARA! NEXT Decision…BETTER than your LAST !

If you’ve enjoyed this blog, do me a favor…Share it with Somebody…Thank you!

Oh…and leave a comment…I’m listening…

All the best,
Zara
Speaker, Individuality Advocate
Author of Living by Design and Living in Harmony

Perfect Parents: My Last Name is Not Cleaver?

 

The Green's. No?

 

So, you recognize that parents fall short…maybe your parents did. To that I say…welcome to the club.

Fantasy Parents…it’s what we all have until we see them as we are – just people! People, at every age just doing their best.  And then, it’s each of our responsibility to ward against disappointment from our unrealistic expectations and embrace…what is.

You couldn’t tell me that our name was NOT “The Cleavers”! You know the fictional family from the classic television show, Leave it to Beaver. Yes, Lillie was June, Sam Sr. was Ward, Sam Jr was Beaver…and yes, Dutty (it’s what we call her), although female was as perfect a sister, as Wally was a brother!

I teach a session called, “Your Parents Were Messed Up, They Messed You Up and You Will Mess Your Children Up.” You may think it’s messed up to teach such a class, but listen…

Your parents could only pass onto you what they knew; they gave you what they had – the good, the bad and the ugly.

If you’re having trouble with this, remember that your children will grow up and, despite all the things that you think are crowning you the world’s best parent, they will remind you of the ONE thing you were not.

Still having trouble? 😉

This thing called personal responsibility, to some, is like a bad word…a bad thing; to some it’s like punishment, but to those of us who recognize its power, it’s a privilege.

It’s not about where you start but how you finish. it’s not about what you’ve been through, but what you rise from.

The measure of a man is not what he has but how far he’s come.

You can’t get ahead while focusing behind. You get my point? Get forwardly focused.

L.E.G. UP and Grow Up: NEXT Decision BETTER! 😉

R.I.P. Barbara Billingsly (June Cleaver) who passed away today at age 94!

Doing IT Better with ZARA! NEXT Decision…BETTER than your LAST !

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Oh…and leave a comment…I’m listening…

It’s YOUR Life: Choose You, Own You, Change You

“The only thing that anyone has is what they’ve got, and the only thing anyone can give you is what they have.” –Sam Green, Sr.

My father was saying that long before I understood what it meant, but it’s applicable in all relationships. I want to focus on THE relationship many people try to make the root cause of their adult issues.

It's Not My Fault!

PARENTING

Parents are expected to do a whole lot of things, but what children expect from them and what they are really capable of, or willing to delivering aren’t always the same…and that’s OKAY!

Life is not UNfair; it delivers the lessons that you need. It’s up to you to learn the individual lessons that life decides to teach; to become a student of life – mastering your thoughts, emotions and behaviors – learning to play the hands that life deals, successfully navigating through whatever life throws.

It’s your life, CHOOSE IT – just as it is

Regardless of who your parents are and the kind of relationship(s) you had, once you become an adult – what you got from them, you had; what you lacked, you missed, but you were no longer their responsibility, and to the degree that they continued to support you, they didn’t have to.

OWN IT – the good, the bad and the ugly

The responsibility of each person to BE a whole being, ultimately, falls on the person. You are your own responsibility. Parents don’t always give you what you need; they can only give you what they’ve got, and for whatever duration they choose.

CHANGE IT – as long as you can breathe and learn…it can get better

Once adult age it’s up to you to now get what you need.

Here’s the thing about parenting that might seem unfair; no matter what you give, there will still be things that your children will lack. The same ways that you came to realize where your parents “fell short”, and have hopefully filled those gaps for yourself, your children will have to do the same.

Here’s the reality about parenting; there’s no “falling short” there’s only giving what you’ve got, and/or what you choose. It is IMPOSSIBLE to fulfill all of your children’s needs; one person is not equipped to fulfill all of another person’s needs – not in ANY relationship.

As for would’ve, could’ve, or worse should’ve, and ought’ve (yeah, I know I made that last one fit)…If your parents, or you as a parent, really “could’a”, then they/you “would’a”; and there’s no sense, nor purpose in waddling in what other’s (including your children) believe you “should’a”, worse “ought have”, given.

IT is what IT is, and nobody owes you anything

Life gives daily opportunities to L.E.G UP! LEARN something more, EMBRACE what is – respond to circumstances productively (rather than react emotionally), and to GROW; to do something different than you would ordinarily that will yield a greater result.

YOU are your OWN responsibility, PERIOD!

Kick ‘n Scream if you must, but We’re Growin’ UP Y’all…Grown IS Sexy! ;)

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Doing IT Better with ZARA! NEXT Decision…BETTER than your LAST !

If you’ve enjoyed this blog, do me a favor…Share it with Somebody…Thank you!