Have You Been A Doormat? Here’s How You Courage Up

I’ve been known to call people “punks” because they won’t stand up for themselves. Punks are like screaming doormats. When you lay down and let others walk on you it’s supposed to hurt!

In the Grown Zone, before anything, we’re about self love.  People who love themselves don’t allow others to treat them with disrespect. You teach people how to treat you. Before you demonstrate love for anybody demonstrate it for yourself. That’s one way to always know that you will not be disrespected more than once.

When others try to Bogart you in any way or you give into pressures from others more than once on the same issue, don’t blame them! The first time you get a pass because you didn’t see it coming. But after that you have to Courage UP in order to stop it!Doormat sign

Find your voice – your truth; that authentic sweet spot:

  • What makes you, you? Know your traits: good bad & ugly like you know your name. Start listing them – refining the good ones, safeguarding the bad and doing your damnedest to control the ugly.
  • Embrace that you’re worthy of respect! When you believe that you are you’ll prove it by protecting your mind, body and spirit with better decision-making.
  • Be willing to teach others how to treat you; what’s acceptable and what is not.

Get off the ground and commit to growth; that’s where peace lives!

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Embrace Time Alone Because Returning To Your Ex Is Like A Dog Returning To Its Vomit

Take My Broken HeartShe/He is your EX for a reason! I’m not a bible-thumper but for these reasons this passage of scripture is so apropo, “As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly“:

  • The act of the dog eating its own vomit is potentially poisonous
  • Foolish acts/behaviors are often out of fear not intentional folly

And if they left you, you’ve got to question why you’d allow them back. “I love him/her” is NOT a sufficient answer. People go back to what they knew, even when it wasn’t good because they don’t know how to be alone and fear it. Time alone is purposeful. If you’re allowing them back then you’ve likely not used the time alone properly.

Time alone is to review the last relationship for patterns in your selections and then to understand WHY you chose them to begin with. Not just what you liked about them, but also what voids in you they filled? When you can answer that you’ve identified YOUR deficits. And when you are aware and FIX THAT IN YOU, you can make your Next Decision Better.

That process won’t usually lead you BACKWARDS!

For your information: The scripture leading into Proverbs 26 says, “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.”

And then the verses in Proverbs 26 leading up to the 11th & 12th verses are all about foolish behaviors (“As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.  Seest thou a man wise in his own conceit? there is more hope of a fool than of him”).

NEXT it's time to move forwardDon’t be a fool! Be wise. Personal growth should never stop! Learn from every relationship. Take time between each one to learn more about you so that you can get better as an individual. Otherwise you run the risk of attracting and choosing the same kind of person, thus the same kinds of experiences and instead of getting better (with your choices and experiences), by default you’ll grow bitter.

You deserve better than that but you won’t get what you deserve necessarily, you’ll get what you choose and accept!

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Fidelity Is A Decision Not Based On Persuasion

Couple at bar.“A real man gives up one-night stands for a woman he can’t stand to spend one night without.”

Saw this in Social Media this morning and every time I see something like it I want to shake the women behind the posts. Women really need to THINK! Put your egos aside (yes, women are ego-driven too) and THINK because women who believe this end up jockeying for men, hurting one another and that’s not okay.

Hear this ladies, meditate on it and don’t ever forget it:

A man not committed to fidelity on general principle will NOT make an exception for you!

Stop believing that there’s something you can do, be or become that can change another person.

Women have given men a pass for being players. I’ll prove it. You accept statements like, “I’ll settle down when I find the right woman.” That’s a load of crap! It’s BULLSHIT! And women accept it. Men are players because women allow them to play. In the Grown Zone, we repeat: You don’t get what you deserve you get what you accept!

A man stops going to smorgasbords because his appetite for “all you can eat” has changed not because one of the dishes at the smorgasbord was so good that it’s all he wants to eat for the rest of his life.

Woman, you may have swaying ability; the ability to sway a man’s attention from another woman. You may be very aware of those powers, but if you were as aware of your worth, you’d never accept a swayable man.

A smart woman knows it’s a misuse of her powers and she knows that a swayable man will soon sway from her too. He’s susceptible to the bait used but not really interested in you.

When you attract a man by swaying or persuading him the pressure is always on you: to keep him satisfied and to keep his attention on you because you’ll forever know that whatever  you did to get him, the next woman who wants him only needs to do it better because you KNOW he’s baitable, thus swayable. What a miserable existence you will have created!

Hear me ladies: In the words of my father, Sam Green Sr, “There’s only one winner when you enter a man’s rotation – HIM – and no man is worth the price you’ll have to pay to compete.”

You can’t build a healthy relationship with somebody whose attention is divided. If you don’t have his undivided attention when you start you won’t gain it as you grow. Don’t you deserve sole focus? Than act like it!

man fidelity and wordsYou’re invited to Enter and LIVE in the Grown Zone.

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Sex Gets Too Much Credit As Basis For Loving Relationships

Everybody, not only wants love, but needs it. There are times throughout life when you may be more focused on school, career, parenting or your own personal growth – all great reasons to not be boo’d up –  but there will come a time when you’ll want a consistent romantic relationship; somebody to share your life with.

Sex and loveBut too often, women who desire somebody to love them all life long are settling for those who only want to love them all night long. And make no mistake, loving you all night long multiple nights is not the fast track to being loved all life-long.

Men are not exempt! They too get caught up in one-sided relationships based on sexual compatibility and later realize that he’s given far more than he’s gotten because they are not compatible in areas that actually keep couples together (NO, it ain’t sex!). Only then, he’s in deep (money, property, children) all because the sex was good; he didn’t get to know her before committing to her.

Nobody should EVER accept #f-ed up, unloving choices and/or treatment as part of “being in love.” Because in these cases love has nothing to do with it. It never does.

Ladies and gentlemen: don’t confuse sexual availability with a long-term desire FOR you and certainly not a commitment TO you. And don’t confuse one’s willingness to allow you to financially rescue them (sponsor/benefactor/pay a bill/buy a purse/trips/…) as love for YOU!

You are invited to ENTER and LIVE in the Grown Zone where we help folks to make their Next Decision Better.

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Parents Protect, Prepare and Some Pimp

teen sexUnder NO CIRCUMSTANCE is it acceptable to let your teenager’s girlfriends or boyfriends visit UNSUPERVISED and certainly to NEVER, EVER spend the night.

Hormones are active. It’s a FACT and it’s NORMAL but they are NOT READY for the ripple effects of having sex. They might still figure out how to get some if they want it but if you’re not PROTECTING your children, you’re NOT PARENTING them! Don’t make it easy for them.teen pregnancy

And Mothers (more than fathers but sometimes they do too): you have to STOP coercing your daughter’s love interests with money, lodging & treating them as your own to keep him with her. That’s not parenting, it’s PIMPING and that’s FAR FROM GROWN. #LiveInTheGrownZone

When YOU live in the Grown Zone, your children will grow up in your shadows and make grown decisions too – even if it takes them a while you will have provided reference points for them when they get in trouble. THAT’S YOUR JOB!

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My Daddy Is A Fatherless Son But Not His Father’s Choices

Daddy In The 70's

Daddy In The ’70s

My father only had one directive for all of us – do better than I have. But let me tell you, even with only an 8th grade education and his being an abandoned child from the racially segregated deep south of rural Louisiana, those are some big shoes to fill.

Abandoned 3 Year Old Boy

As my father tells the story of the day his mother left him with his father, you can still hear the pain. He was crying and begging her to take him with her. Holding his baby sister on her hip and pushing him back into the screen door repeatedly she said, “You have to stay. I can’t take both of you.” She moved out of state.

My grandfather was far more interested in womanizing than he was parenting. Daddy was often left by his father to fend for himself, or with women who mistreated him. He knows what it is to be hungry, forgotten, alone, and to be unloved. His father has never, in his entire life, given him anything, not one dollar. And although Daddy forgave him (not that his father asked for it) and took care of him up to his death at age 97, he still never got his attention, affection, nor approval.

Daddy decided early that he would not be to his children what his father had been to him. He decided that he didn’t have to live out his father’s choices.

Self Reliance Was Expected

My father was ultimately raised by an uncle and his wife (who couldn’t have children). They believed and taught my father that educated or not, a man  was to use what he had and be innovative about how to multiply and make the most of it. All of the men on that side of the family worked and provided for their families well. Never dependent on others, all practiced self-reliance.

My father is no different. Daddy has always worked hard and smart! He’s a military veteran – a Navy man – and naturally curious, with a photographic memory. As a result, he’s been a student of life and made the most of every place he docked and lived all around the world. A reader and a history buff, he loves the Discovery Channels, so when you experience him – especially upon learning all he’s accomplished – you’d never know that his formal education ended at the age of 12.

He knew that he had to earn and has always been more focused on what he could do then on what he couldn’t do. And he has never – even in the segregated south of the 1950s and ’60s – concerned himself about who could stop him.

His uncles taught him that a man is defined by how well he provides for his wife and children.

Side Note: Daddy was (and in many ways still is) an excellent provider to his children. And on top of that he’s never missed a game, recital, award ceremony, graduation or any of my surgeries. When I was in need he showed up!

How He Did It With Little Education

As a young man he bussed tables while going to barber school. He met and married my mother during that time. As a young barber, he rented a building which had an apartment attached; it became his barbershop. He rented chairs to other barbers, rented the apartment and used a back room as a TV repair shop, for which he became a certified technician. He started a pest control service and had a truck hauling service. That’s just the beginning of the legitimate businesses (hustles) he’s had that eventually earned enough to buy the building he worked in; the first of many real estate properties which enabled him to provide for his family and many others in the community.

The Best vs. Your Best

Daddy ingrained this in me: You don’t have to be the best, but you do need to always do your best. My father is not a perfect man, nor was he the perfect parent – no parent is. But he was perfect for me.

In my adult life, one of the things that I’ve learned to appreciate most about my Dad is that he has lived unapologetically! He knows he’s not perfect – has never professed to be – nor is he striving for perfection. His goal is to always be better than he’s been. I love that! And I’ve lived it.

Though he started with so few resources and so little support from his parents, he didn’t let that define him; instead he decided to do the best he could. While he knew that he might not ever be the best, he always gave his best. And even when he failed miserably, his best was always sufficient for him.

I’ve  learned as much from his flaws as I have his successes. When I’ve done my best, even if it’s not enough for others, it’s always enough for me. In those times, I’m unapologetic for my decisions and certainly for me – who I am – because I’m always enough for me. My goal is always the same, to be a better me.

Thank you Daddy for being a constant example of courage and commitment. I love you, Sam Green, Sr.

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Get Better At Severing Ties: Amicable Breakups

I wish people understood the power in severing ties when they’re no longer aligned with the people in their lives.  People-possession is dangerous. There are a gazillion people on the planet and there’s nobody that you can’t live without.

Having ended many relationships (romantic, business, friends, and YES relatives) upon realizing that continuing as we were was not healthy for me,  I’ve been better off every time!

Breakups don’t have to be hostile and you should develop the skills to move on. In fact, you should approach every relationship the same and while in them keep this at the forefront of your mind: reason-season-lifetime

Reason. Season. Lifetime.

As a grown woman, I’ve never returned to a romantic relationship (they ended for good reasons and I don’t allow myself to forget why they ended). I’ve rarely done business again with business partners after a deal has gone south (with the exception that it was to no fault of either party) . I don’t revisit friendships that end because I’m okay when we grow in different directions and there are a gazillion other friendships to make that will bring me a gazillion other experiences (although I do still have a handful of childhood friends whom I cherish). And although I always acknowledge relatives, I am very clear that all relatives are not family!

Most relationships you have will be for a reason.

Fewer for a season.

And less than you ever imagined, for a lifetime.

When you realize that the reason you’re alive is to become more of yourself everyday then your view of life’s experiences will change.

You’ll begin to accept what is, embrace whatever life throws and know that every challenge is purposeful and you’re built to endure it but be sure that the opposite is true too: if you don’t realize that the reason you’re alive is to become more of yourself everyday, you’ll try hold onto yesterday and your view of life’s experiences will not change; you will not accept what is, rather continue to resist; you won’t embrace whatever life throws, you’ll cry woe is me; you won’t ever know that every challenge is purposeful, nor will you ever build resilience to endure challenges, instead you’ll cave.

You’re not here to be defined by the experiences you choose to have. You’re here to be refined by how you handle the experiences life chooses to give you; big difference.

Life is an evolution. Change is Inevitable. Decide to change with things that change around you and to make changes in your life when things no longer serve you. Make your Next Decision Better.

That’s living in the Grown Zone! Here we GROW…Grown IS Sexy! 😉

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