Want Better From A Man Then Change Your Qualifiers

Ask ANY man about his standards for “the one” and most of their lists will be exhaustive! Go ahead!

You can find a brother at the bus stop, boarding on borrowed money, with pants hanging off his ass, all grilled and tatted up, sneakers on his feet costing more than he’s earned in the past year, no education nor prospects for employment and he’ll believe that he’s worthy of somebody who’s bringing more to the table than he is.

WHY? Because, “THAT BROTHER” is looking for somebody who can “hold him down” because he can’t hold himself up; he’s looking for somebody with qualifications to take care of his ass. And he knows he’ll find her.

There are many problems with this and many women are at the root of them. 

Point is: he’s got qualifiers, as does the educated man in a boardroom.

Now, ask a woman the same question and too often, what most of their lists will boil down to – because of the things she’s willing to overlook, forgive or excuse – is that if he’s breathing and will have her, that’s enough. How do I know? Because she accepts all kinds of disrespect and remain in relationships when she knows he’s only tolerating her.

Ladies, that’s NOT enough and it can’t continue to be OKAY; it’s time each one of us has self preserving qualifiers, and raise the bar. We don’t help unmotivated men by giving them all of our energies: attention, money, cars, body and having babies with them when they can’t even provide for themselves. No! We make bigger bitches out them; further enabling their trifling-ness!

You can’t ask them to man-up while you’re still “holding him  (and all the obligations) down”; he CAN’T – he WON’T!

As you’ll continue to hear us (Alfred Edmond Jr and I) say in The Grown Zone: You don’t get what you deserve; you get what you accept. If you believe you deserve better then act like it!

Here we grow…Grown IS Sexy!™ 😉

If you enjoyed this, please share it with your Social Media friends.

All the best,
Speaker, Individuality Advocate
Author of Living by Design and Living in Harmony


About Zara Green
Hi, I'm Zara Green, A "Do Better" Fanatic and Your Advocate...I'm glad you're here! As a personal growth Author and Speaker, who's Individuality & Resilience-Focused, I spark conversations that expand thinking, encourage effective & productive responses and produce better individual decision-making and better interpersonal communications in relationships. Growing Up with Zara because life is meant to be enjoyed ;-)

19 Responses to Want Better From A Man Then Change Your Qualifiers

  1. Dr. Kamala says:

    Thank you! I spend countless hours in & out of my practice talking with women about this. Oh, how I wish I could make it as “plain” and real as you did in this blog!

  2. Zara Green says:

    I so appreciate this post @Dr. Kamala! I’m blushing for cussin’, lol! Like you, I just want all the ladies to recognize their part in messed up relationships, and to do better. Thank you, Doc! Hugs ‘n Love. ❤

  3. Keith says:

    (Black) Women have qualifiers, as well! All too often, their qualifiers show how shallow the majority of them have become and they seem to share this in some sort of weird sisterhood! Most of these qualifiers seem to be centered around sight and then perceived or reaal sexual prowess of a man. I’ve seen women fighting over a man that was laughing about the situation due to the fact they weren’t the only two he was “doing”.

    Many women now-a-days require much…between a man’s legs only! Why? Because they’re having success in the work force and they’re taking care of themselves and so they’re all out here chasing Mandingo…the brother they actually call “blessed” because of the size of his package! Meanwhile, most of these guys fall prey to this attitude and they just exude trifleness. Meanwhile, the few brothers that realize they want to be more than a human dildo get passed over because they don’t possess that initial “swag” that says, “all I wanna do is lay as much pipe as possible”. Many of the men who have the self respect to get out here and become educated and craft a culture about themselves wind-up with women of other races because they appear to be “square” or “soft” and the fact that they respect themselves and subsequently others; especially women make them appear to be someone that can’t cut it in the sack! Well, many of us that are renaissance types that are well rounded don’t swag (read brag) about something we don’t see (package size) as an accomplishment. But, contrary to what many women believe…we’re not tricks…we’re real men…men that are profoundly intimate and capable of nurturing a relationship on every level while performing all the traditional duties of a father and husband.

    And, many of us have virtues in place, and we value ourselves in different ways…not always trying to maintain a “six-pack” as if that’s truly something to offer. Generally, we become okay with the “square look” because we know we attract women who have things in common with us! Women that look beyond the surface and further than the “jeans” but as far as the “genes”. And yes, many of us lay “good pipe”, too! But shallow women looked over us…and we’re glad of that! Keep looking for Mr. Goodbar…he aint go’n’ be more than a snack! And you’ll all be sharing that and winding up with just a “piece” Meanwhile, the homemaking women will find us square swagless “Manwiches”….because we make a meal!!!

  4. Zara Green says:

    Brother Keith! I’m just gon’ tell the truth…you just LAID THIS SHIT OUT! …and I gotta digest it before really commenting, lol! Just know that I am FEELING you Brother! I tell women all the time: there’s no shortage of good men. And you may have just shedded even more light on why they don’t recognize y’all. WOW Brother. Thank you for that!

  5. Dr. Kamala says:

    Yes, Keith! You better tell us women! It has been forever broken down. 🙂 You are so right about the best thing being attractive to and attracted to the ones with whom you/we have more in common. It all comes down to relationship maturity. Let them catch up with you.

  6. Zara Green says:

    Did brother Keith just lay it down, Dr. Kamala??? That brother just laid it down. “THEY” are attracting each other based on their deficits. Yes, indeed. I’m ready to pull up a chair with y’all! 🙂 This is GOOD!

  7. I speak for the sisters that like the nerd-the square. When a beautiful woman who is not a nerd or a square comes to the square with genuine interest & honestly attracted to you – have confidence! Just because it may seem on the surface you have nothing in common or you just cant see a sister like that interested in you-GIVE IT A CHANCE! Because a woman is attractive-does not make her a airhead. Just because she has swag-does not mean shes looking for a thug. A lot of good women get looked over by the nerd simply because the nerd or square lacks confidence to approach her or brushes her interest off because they feel shes not genuine&sincere!

  8. Zara Green says:

    Alright then Ms. Hope! I am definitely with you…my nerd is AMAZING! 🙂 His intellect is plenty sexy!

  9. Marlo Francis says:

    I absolutely loved the comments by Keith. I too have been guilty of “eyeing” those with the physical “swag”, but God knows the hard lessons that were learned. Life has shown me that its not the packaging that matters, its all about whats inside. And that goes both ways.

  10. James says:

    I study with the nerds in college and learned plenty from them. Nerds are focus on their work not concern about putting in work on the sisters. They dress confortable not fashionable and their confidence is in their achievements. I aslo ran with the boyz from the hood who only got with the fast girls but the good girls gone bad. They are full of swagger, dip in bling, bowlegged, waves, clean, ripped, buffed and deals only on the side (if thats what he told you lol..). They smoke only a little ( yeah right ) and drink sometimes…(really) but while he’s macking on you he is checking out your friend or probably your sister ( which is why you’re not speaking to her till this day..hmm.) So I chose the mind of the nerd and went to college and the cool of the boyz in the hood and without the poison of the hood (smoking, drinking, tattoos-yes I said it, earrings- that too, drugs, broken english and babies out of wedlock) and became a person who respect and love the sister. So I put a ring on her ( Beyonce ) married her (Bible). Upgrade her from my condo to our house with our own children…… It can be done we just need to give ourselves the chance. The chance to grow…………up.

  11. Zara Green says:

    Ms. Marlo: I really appreciate how you KEEP IT REAL! We have to remember to share our experiences from before we gained “more sense”. lol Life is a journey; one that’s about learning and growing and making our Next Decision Better. Just as you have. Many thanks for your transparency. It shows folks it’s okay to be where they are, but not okay to stay there. 🙂 Thank you, love!

  12. Zara Green says:

    James; Very cool dynamics! All we have is our experiences and it seems you drew well (made decisions to your advantage) from yours. I love it when the men chime in. 🙂 Great sense of humor too. Thank you!

  13. nonhlanhla says:

    Wow this is so powerfull we really need to hear things like these often to be come greater in all things thnk u cnt wait to show my frends

  14. Zara Green says:

    @Nonhlanhla – I’m glad you found it and that you’ve found it worthy of sharing. I appreciate you. 🙂

  15. Tonua says:

    Love it! Thank u!

  16. Zara Green says:

    Thank YOU, Tonua. And you are welcome!

  17. Pingback: To Mothers of Fatherless Sons And Daughters | Grown IS Sexy!™

  18. Nadia says:

    Wow, I’m sure you answered a lot of silent questions. This article was very true. I’ve never looked at it this way just recently I realized that I have “allowed” a lot of actions/behaviors.

    Ohhh and it stopped! Lesson learned.


  19. Zara Green says:

    Hi Nadia!

    Thanks for chiming in. We’re here to learn and to grow. Sounds like you’re doing both, 🙂 Kudos!

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