Divorce Is Not An Option
April 4, 2011 10 Comments
I believe that most people enter marriage without any thoughts of divorce. For many people, especially first-timers, it’s a dream realized; a mission accomplished. But for those of us who have been there we know that it’s just the beginning. The beginning of a journey that by its very nature is riddled with trials and complexities; joy and happiness are not by-products of marriage, but they can be the results of a decision each party makes demonstrated through respect for each other and intentional cultivation. And even then, the best intentions are no contest for life’s inevitable curve balls.
“Divorce is not an option.”
To some, this declaration is a sign of commitment to the relationship, to others it’s more spiritual – a promise to God. I’ve declared it for both reasons at different times, and my experience is that it was a bondage mentality because sometimes divorce is the only option!
The best approach to any situation is with a flexible mind and pliable heart; fluid to adapt and balance your personal peace as the people, situations and circumstances change around you.
Marriage: A Series of Challenges
Whatever beliefs you enter marriage with, they will be tested. Whatever you believe about your mate will be tested. Whatever plans you make will be tested.
These challenges are all a part of the process of marriage, which inevitably alters your mentality about your marriage (mate). Nobody knows what their marriage will be until they’re in it, and I believe that everybody who’s ever been married has had, at least one, ‘what (the hell) have I done’ moment or ‘who (the hell) have I married’ moment.
If both parties enter the marriage with eyes wide opened, equipped and ready to ride the tides it can be an adventurous joyous journey that binds you all the more because you’re each, intent on learning more about each other and becoming skillful at uniting against issues rather than be divided because of them. Most individuals don’t know how to do that, so division usually prevails.
And after your mentality has been altered, one too many times…like, seeing unsavory things in your mate that you didn’t know was there, patterns emerging, friction looming, etc. (this list could be endless) and you’ve been divided enough that the personal affects in the marriage are not good for you as an individual, divorce has to be an option!
The reality is that, things aren’t always as they appear or they are exactly as they appear but change; sometimes too drastically to bear. In that case, one needs to know that there’s life after divorce. Sometimes just acknowledging that divorce may have to be a possibility could be enough to avoid it, but resisting it as a possibility will not dissolve marital issues.
So yes, “Divorce is not an option” WILL keep you married, but it won’t make you happy.
Marriages don’t end because of one person and their issues. Nobody is ever completely innocent – I don’t care what you’ve heard.
As my mind was transforming toward the end of both marriages, I came to two different realities with the same conclusions: I was not married to the contracts nor to God, but to men. Men that, in the end I declared, “if I knew then what I know now I never would have said, ‘I Do’”!
Lessons Learned Never Cost Too Much!
If divorce is not an option when you’re not happy AND things may not change than you’ve committed to a life of misery. Well, misery has repercussions that all involve misery and you’re the only one responsible for your happiness.
Every marriage, like everything else is filled with teachable moments – mostly, about ourselves. If you were really a student and learned, even if those experiences’ tuition was high, they were all valuable and in my opinion, never wasted – time, sweat neither money nor tears.
I believe it’s smart to recognize when a marriage has run its course and to keep it moving. You shouldn’t be shackled by a belief, nor should anybody be shackled to you.
I can’t even imagine still being married to either of those men (I’m not saying anything against them. This is about me) and if I’d remained in either of those marriages, I would not have evolved and grown to attract the people and experiences I have since them. Today, I have no regrets…not for saying I do, neither for changing my mind.
The only thing that’s not optional for me in life is my happiness, and I am the only one responsible for that! I’ve been divorced now for over a decade and often look back at those lives with bewilderment. My personal development producing the ability to lead self with independent thought and confidence now is a peaceful space. I SO, couldn’t do that then.
GREATEST LESSON: To really love somebody is demonstrated through absolute acceptance. If there’s anything, at all, that you’ve not embraced and try to change about him/her – I can assure you that divorce doesn’t have to be an option in your mind, it will be inevitable in your life. People can only live under those conditions, but, so long.
We’re Growin’ UP…Grown IS Sexy! 😉
And hey, I’m listening…tell me what you think – leave a comment.
And if you enjoyed this post, please share it.
All the best,
Speaker, Individuality Advocate
Author of Living by Design and Living in Harmony