Divorce Is Not An Option

I believe that most people enter marriage without any thoughts of divorce. For many people, especially first-timers, it’s a dream realized; a mission accomplished. But for those of us who have been there we know that it’s just the beginning. The beginning of a journey that by its very nature is riddled with trials and complexities; joy and happiness are not by-products of marriage, but they can be the results of a decision each party makes demonstrated through respect for each other and intentional cultivation. And even then, the best intentions are no contest for life’s inevitable curve balls.

“Divorce is not an option.”

Divorce: The Only Option

To some, this declaration is a sign of commitment to the relationship, to others it’s more spiritual – a promise to God. I’ve declared it for both reasons at different times, and my experience is that it was a bondage mentality because sometimes divorce is the only option!

The best approach to any situation is with a flexible mind and pliable heart; fluid to adapt and balance your personal peace as the people, situations and circumstances change around you.

Marriage: A Series of Challenges
Whatever beliefs you enter marriage with, they will be tested. Whatever you believe about your mate will be tested. Whatever plans you make will be tested.

These challenges are all a part of the process of marriage, which inevitably alters your mentality about your marriage (mate). Nobody knows what their marriage will be until they’re in it, and I believe that everybody who’s ever been married has had, at least one, ‘what (the hell) have I done’ moment or ‘who (the hell) have I married’ moment.

If both parties enter the marriage with eyes wide opened, equipped and ready to ride the tides it can be an adventurous joyous journey that binds you all the more because you’re each, intent on learning more about each other and becoming skillful at uniting against issues rather than be divided because of them. Most individuals don’t know how to do that, so division usually prevails.

And after your mentality has been altered, one too many times…like, seeing unsavory things in your mate that you didn’t know was there, patterns emerging, friction looming, etc. (this list could be endless) and you’ve been divided enough that the personal affects in the marriage are not good for you as an individual, divorce has to be an option!

The reality is that, things aren’t always as they appear or they are exactly as they appear but change; sometimes too drastically to bear. In that case, one needs to know that there’s life after divorce. Sometimes just acknowledging that divorce may have to be a possibility could be enough to avoid it, but resisting it as a possibility will not dissolve marital issues.

So yes, “Divorce is not an option” WILL keep you married, but it won’t make you happy.

Marriages don’t end because of one person and their issues. Nobody is ever completely innocent – I don’t care what you’ve heard.

As my mind was transforming toward the end of both marriages, I came to two different realities with the same conclusions: I was not married to the contracts nor to God, but to men. Men that, in the end I declared, “if I knew then what I know now I never would have said, ‘I Do’”!

Lessons Learned Never Cost Too Much!
If divorce is not an option when you’re not happy AND things may not change than you’ve committed to a life of misery. Well, misery has repercussions that all involve misery and you’re the only one responsible for your happiness.

Every marriage, like everything else is filled with teachable moments – mostly, about ourselves. If you were really a student and learned, even if those experiences’ tuition was high, they were all valuable and in my opinion, never wasted – time, sweat neither money nor tears.

I believe it’s smart to recognize when a marriage has run its course and to keep it moving. You shouldn’t be shackled by a belief, nor should anybody be shackled to you.

I can’t even imagine still being married to either of those men (I’m not saying anything against them. This is about me) and if I’d remained in either of those marriages, I would not have evolved and grown to attract the people and experiences I have since them. Today, I have no regrets…not for saying I do, neither for changing my mind.

The only thing that’s not optional for me in life is my happiness, and I am the only one responsible for that! I’ve been divorced now for over a decade and often look back at those lives with bewilderment. My personal development producing the ability to lead self with independent thought and confidence now is a peaceful space. I SO, couldn’t do that then.

GREATEST LESSON: To really love somebody is demonstrated through absolute acceptance. If there’s anything, at all, that you’ve not embraced and try to change about him/her – I can assure you that divorce doesn’t have to be an option in your mind, it will be inevitable in your life. People can only live under those conditions, but, so long.

We’re Growin’ UP…Grown IS Sexy! 😉

And hey, I’m listening…tell me what you think – leave a comment.

And if you enjoyed this post, please share it.

All the best,
Zara
Speaker, Individuality Advocate
Author of Living by Design and Living in Harmony

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About Zara Green
Hi, I'm Zara Green, A "Do Better" Fanatic and Your Advocate...I'm glad you're here! As a personal growth Author and Speaker, who's Individuality & Resilience-Focused, I spark conversations that expand thinking, encourage effective & productive responses and produce better individual decision-making and better interpersonal communications in relationships. Growing Up with Zara because life is meant to be enjoyed ;-)

10 Responses to Divorce Is Not An Option

  1. C. Hayes says:

    I absoultely loved this article. I just finished my first book entitled Misconceptions. Basically centered around the same thing. Thinking someone is one way when you find out they are another way. Happens everyday.

  2. Zara Green says:

    @C. Hayes – Thank you! You are so right – everyday. In such case, I believe we should be able exercise a change of mind. 🙂

    So is Misconceptions available and where can we find it?

    Thanks for your comment, C. Hayes.

  3. C. Hayes says:

    Exactly my point. Misconceptions is available at my website at http://www.cshayes.com. I will also be available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

  4. Zara Green says:

    WooHooooo!!! Congratulations C. Hayes! And thanks for sharing your book link with us. Wishing you much success with it!

  5. Dr. Reginia says:

    In some marriages, the decision to become married is not a choice of wisdom and depth. Therefore, once a party discovers their mistake, the option to make their mistake right is the only option. Staying married for the sake of being married is spiritually and fundamentally reckless.

    Be Selective.

  6. Zara Green says:

    Now THAT’S SOME WISDOM, Dr. Reginia! 🙂 Thanks for commenting!

    Hope Y’all listening!

  7. Excellent piece, says this married woman. The line that struck me the most, and I feel is such a fresh perspective is, that you are married to A MAN, not to God or a contract! Insert applause here!. 🙂

  8. Zara Green says:

    Well that sure made me smile, Elise! 🙂 Balance is so important and I know a lot of people who are married to the contracts and staying because of their commitments to God, and I know from experience that those are not happy homes. 😉

    Thank you so much for commenting, married woman! ((hug))

  9. Linda says:

    I just left a 21 year relationship with another woman – largely for the reasons you mention in this post…I was not happy. Seven years ago I started talking about not being happy – and was shamed into “keeping my commitment.” I take full responsibility for all of my actions and decisions throughout this relationship. We raised her 3 sons who became fine young men and adopted a daughter who has become quite a gift in all of our lives. I stayed “for the kids;” I stayed for the commitment; I stayed for the fear of the loss. And the last few weeks have been so incredibly painful and difficult that I have to say I don’t know if I could have done it if I had known the depths of the pain I would experience. God was smart in not letting me know about that ahead of time! Thankfully, I do have some incredible “peak” moments when I am SO sure I did the right thing and I get a glimpse of what it feels like to be happy again. As my mother told me, as I cared for her as she was dying…”Linda, God didn’t intend for you to be miserable!” And FYI, it’s not that I don’t love my ex…it’s that neither of us could become the fullest expression God intended for us as long as we stayed together. I hope one day she sees that too.

  10. Zara Green says:

    Oh Linda, my apology. I completely missed your comment. It’s been months so I’m hopeful that you’re healing, reinventing, and enjoying your new life!

    Our journeys are intended to make us better by showing us the depth of our abilities, which we have no concept of prior to HAVING to tap into it. I always say that I’m so glad God is smarter than me and knows better than I do what I can handle, and THRIVE BECAUSE it’s part of my unique journey.

    The fact that you hope she sees that too, your duty is done. Now it’s on her. As much as we are to “cleave” we need to remember to honor our individuality by recognizing that we each still are responsible for our own happiness.

    HUGE KUDOS to you Linda! Thanks for sharing your story, I’m honored. xo

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