SEX and Your Children: What are YOU Doing?

If you’re over 35 you’re, likely, AS blown away as I am with teen sex today – not just that more of them are having sex (not all)  – regardless of how we feel about it I think most of us have come to grips with it as a fact, but I am so utterly shocked by the stories I hear about the frequency, with whom, and the scope of stuff their doing. For example: several years ago my niece (who was still in high school and a bit of a late bloomer) passed on going to a party and I asked why? She hesitated at first but then told me what kind of party is was – a Rainbow Party: where all the girls wear different colored lipstick, the boys line up and the girls take turns pleasuring them! I was SO BESIDE MYSELF!! I don’t think I slept a wink that night.

Message to the High School Ho
Remember the biggest Ho in your high school? Today she’d be considered a SAINT! If that was you, Honey, these kids have so OUT-HO’D you! I’m talking to degrees that are, again, mind blowing, so let it go, Girl! Next to them, you’ve got NOTHING to be ashamed of. Not only that, y’all know I’m from the school of – “we do what we know to do” and we all deserve room to grow even the kids today, so NEXT Decision BETTER.

Morals – Okay, Religion – NOT!

We can talk morals, which I believe people can have without religion (although many will argue that the lack of religion is why we have the lack of morals – I disagree), but since we’re not in a church I’d prefer it if, for this discussion, that we steer free from factoring in religious beliefs; which would only divide us and push us farther from solutions that we can all use.  Thank you, in advance!

Back to Our Teens
Are y’all talking WITH your children? “With” because it’s AS important for you to listen to what they are saying, to let them TEACH you about social acceptances in their world, hear their specific peer pressures and what they believe about all the information they get when they leave home and YES, what their sexual preferences are.

If you’re NOT talking WITH them about all of these things, then why are you not? If you are, what are you saying to them?  Moreover, what have you learned about them and their sexual perspectives – they’ve got them! I hear parents say, they’re waiting for their children to approach them because they don’t want to broach the subject too soon…tsk, tsk, tsk!

Straight, Gay, Bi, Pan (yep, that’s one now so keep up)
Y’all KNOW I’m all about living your truth, so if you’re gay LIVE IT, PROUDLY and you’ll find a lot of support to do just that! In fact, whatever you determine your truth to be, you’ll find support to live it – and I’m all about that! BUT, I believe young people are such sponges that they need wisdom to help shape their decisions…not to decide for them, but to be amongst what they consider as they are determining what their truth is. Yes, some of your children are gay and your traditional ideology will be challenged so you need to know how to effectively approach, embrace, and navigate life WITH THEM.

STD Rate Skyrocketing: Shit Pills Don’t Cure!
Y’all to put it plainly…when people in my generation were growing up we’d just go get a pill or a shot to cure the sexually transmitted diseases we contracted, (Oh, you didn’t…well welcome to the real world – some of us did and just because you didn’t, didn’t mean you weren’t doing the same things, you just didn’t get caught in this way. Don’t make me dig UNTIL I find some shit on you!) but now-a-days with the many strands of the same diseases it’s getting more difficult to cure them and there’s some shit that a pill just can’t cure and your children are contracting them at greater rates. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?!?!

HIV is the scariest, no doubt, although no longer necessarily a death sentence – herpes, which gets far less attention IS A LIFE SENTENCE; it’s rampant and shows up regularly and for many it is mental and emotional torment! For those infected, it doesn’t matter how it was contracted – it’s a regular reminder of sexual carelessness; their own, or worse, the ones they thought they could trust to tell the truth about their sexual activities and past, but did not! These kinds of challenges have proven too much for adults to handle, how much more tormenting for a child?

“Pleasure-Seeking” Promiscuity
From the stories I’m hearing the biggest issue is PROMISCUITY and its ripple effects. Y’all, THIS anything – anybody “pleasure-seeking” promiscuity teens are engaging in today is SCARY – I mean off the charts and the STD rates support it! Again, y’all KNOW I’m all about living your truth, so this is not a bash on same-sex, sex. If you’re gay LIVE IT, PROUDLY!

The tragedy of sexual intercourse is the perpetual virginity of the soul. ~William B. Yeats

Teaching Adults
As a Personal Growth speaker and trainer I take issues most of us deal with and give universal principles that help people make better decisions so that they can rid themselves of what I call, MFRs (the notions of Mistakes, Failures, and Regrets…none of which I give credence).  Here’s what I’m sure about, many parents avoid the issue of sex because it reminds them of how they’ve handled it and they feel shame, embarrassment or like hypocrites talking to their children, or for many just don’t know how.

OUCH!! It’s a reality for many, but parents have to come from a more empowered place; taking ownership of their lives regardless of past experiences and develop mental and emotional tools that aid them to make better decision as they foster the journey of self development and self leadership. This falls in that category.

We grow in 3 ways: Physically, Mentally and Emotionally (Spiritually). The only one that’s optional is Emotional – Personal Growth – AND it’s the only one that’s going to get up to the point of shifting this course!

Concern/Question from a Young Woman
Before writing this blog, I posted a concern on the Grown IS Sexy! Facebook page and a precious young woman, I met while presenting at the Schomburg Center in Harlem earlier this year expressed concerns about whether adults were willing to hear, moreover willing to do the work to positively impact what’s really going on. Well, I’m asking you, adults – particularly parents of young children – what can you do, what do you think others should be doing, how can we all play a part in changing the course of our children, finally, what are you willing to do? How young does this sex thing have to get?

Watch this video…I think it’s criminal!

Can somebody say “PooNannie Principle Intervention”?!  This child is having sex with her clothes on and don’t even know it! What’s worse is that she learned this from adults (likely her Momma!) Oh, you don’t think it could ever be your child, PooNannie Popping? Really! Maybe not in your presence, but if you’ve got BET and they’re with children everyday at school who CAN PooNannie Pop, Oh YES IT CAN!

In many cases those little people outside of your house will have more influence than you do as a parent! This is NOT everybody else’s problem; it’s yours too! Now what are you prepared to do about it? How far is too far? Am I trying to provoke you, ABSOLUTELY!

So, talk to me, please! And with all due respect…again, in my opinion, this is NOT ABOUT RELIGION so please refrain.

Here we GROW again…Grown IS Sexy! 😉

Doing IT Better with ZARA! NEXT Decision…BETTER than your LAST !

If you’ve enjoyed this blog, do me a favor…Share it with Somebody…Thank you!

Oh…and leave a comment…I’m listening…

All the best,
Zara
Speaker, Individuality Advocate
Author of Living by Design and Living in Harmony

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About Zara Green
Hi, I'm Zara Green, A "Do Better" Fanatic and Your Advocate...I'm glad you're here! As a personal growth Author and Speaker, who's Individuality & Resilience-Focused, I spark conversations that expand thinking, encourage effective & productive responses and produce better individual decision-making and better interpersonal communications in relationships. Growing Up with Zara because life is meant to be enjoyed ;-)

16 Responses to SEX and Your Children: What are YOU Doing?

  1. Zara Green says:

    I’m listening… 😉

  2. Mary says:

    After watching that video all I could say was, “What the hell?”

    There is really nothing new under the sun. The problem now is the timing of exposure. My mother was trying to keep me from being exposed to sexual material. Every time I went to the library I had to show her the books I checked (of course I didn’t show them all to her, but back to my point. LOL!) I was practically a teenager before I was exposed to anything like this. For the last 15 years or so (maybe even 20) kids are exposed to wild sexual behavior at very early ages because of music videos and a lot of the tv shows and commercials (everything is sexual now).

    The parents are so young, that when their children start acting grown at an early age, they laugh and think it’s cute, and video tape it. They never learn any moral boundaries. It’s truly a sad state of affairs.

  3. Zara Green says:

    Mary, I TOTALLY AGREE!

    I believe it’s harder for parents to keep up with what their children are exposed to but I still believe they have a responsibility to do their best trying.

    Kids having kids, BET…it’s not the world I grew up in that’s for sure!

    I, like you, believe that moral boundaries is key.

    Thanks for chiming in, MB! 🙂

  4. Linda says:

    Wow – powerful post Zara. I think we’re raising an entire generation of kids who are parenting themselves and each other. Adults need to step back into their roles as parents, guides and mentors and stop trying to be friends and buddies with their kids. We need to initiate the conversations even when they’re uncomfortable for us and we need to help our kids with their decisions. We need to ask more questions and listen more..rather than lecture or give the “do as I say, not as I did” routine… It’s time for all adults to stand up for what’s right…thanks for taking such a strong stand!

  5. Zara Green says:

    It drives me nuts, Linda, I say all the time – you can’t be Punks (wimps) and Parents at the same time! If you’ll do the hard work of setting boundaries and building a foundation that will really equip them to navigate in the world they live in (current, not one we LIVED in) when they’re young you’ll have a lifetime to develop a friendship once their adults.

    Thanks Linda! 🙂

  6. Kendria says:

    I’m 22 yrs old and expecting my first child. My mother is 60 yrs old and from the “old school” and she did do the best she knew how to do, but as a single woman, there were some instances where she dropped the ball (i.e having men over for booty calls while i was in the house and well aware.) I engaged in sex at an early age, and I remember feeling like a big girl because me and my boyfriend were regularly engaging in intercourse.

    Now I’m faced with being a single mother myself, and it’s not exactly what I planned for my child. I understand totally now that my sexual and emotional behavior has to change, and thankfully, instead of herpes or hiv to show for my mistakes, I am expecting a child. I vow to be honest with my child about the mistakes I have made to let him know that you’re not dirty or “fast” or bad for having feelings and questions about sex, but also let him know the negative consequences of reckless sexual behavior. I want to leave the floor open for questions and even just a listening ear. I hate the music that’s popular today and the videos are mindless, but i know I can’t keep my child from everything, but I can monitor who his friends are and what type of households they come from, and speak “to” my child about social issue as opposed to speaking at him.

  7. Zara Green says:

    Ahhhhhh, Kendria, you’re a strong breeze of fresh air! 🙂

    I think it’s fabulous that you recognize, accept and appreciate Mom’s best and see how you can do it better!

    I’m extending a HUGE VIRTUAL HUG! You sound like a responsible young woman and I wish you all things great, and I caution you that they won’t always come easy but don’t ever stop giving and being your best!

    Your best days are still ahead of you. Remember that Mistake is a Myth, Failure is Fiction and Regrets, retard, so no MFR’s, okay? 🙂

    Huge Hugs and Much Love, Kendria! 😉

  8. karenswim says:

    I can barely think straight and my eyes are filled with tears after watching that video. Yes, it is child abuse, it ain’t cute, it ain’t grown and it ain’t sexy even when grown folks do it publicly. When I was 20 my boss’ 16 year old daughter confided to me that she and her boyfriend were planning to have sex. I will never forget the weight of the moment, and how I had to fight the panic down of saying the wrong thing. While I am a Christian, I knew that I needed to equip her to value herself enough to consider the depth of her choices. We talked, openly and honestly without judgment. She did not have sex, not then and not in the near future. As adults, whether we are parents or not we have to be willing to have the uncomfortable discussions and most importantly to listen without judging. Yes, we want our children to share our values but rote recitation of the rules is not equipping with the skills to think for themselves.

  9. Zara Green says:

    Karen, I was SICK when I first saw this! I thought exactly how I titled it, “Stripper in the Making.” And she’s so good at it that if no other qualities are engaged, her destiny is written!

    I had a similar experience with a young woman…it’s when my mantra was born: NEXT Decision BETTER…and she did. 🙂

    We’ve got to do better!

    Thanks for chiming in, Karen. 😉

  10. [Following up to my Facebook post!]

    BET is a HUGE cause, effect and symptom.

    I actually wanted to start a movement to stop BET a few years ago.

    @SandraBaptist

  11. Zara Green says:

    Cause and Effect, is indeed in FULL effect, Sandra.

    I’m not at all a fan of BET but I don’t think it would be the BEAST it is if folks were parenting instead of letting BET babysit. BET is babysitting and training the parents too because they don’t know any better ways…and THATs really sad.

    Thanks Sandra! 🙂

  12. Diamond says:

    I am floored by the video with the children Zara. Just smh w/tears in my eyes. I vowed to myself at 13 that if I had children, I would raise them differently. I knew at that age how I wanted them to come up. I stuck to that Zara, and I raised my children with love, patience, & kindness… but I would knock the hell (literally) out of them if they thought for one minute, they were going to run me. I love them enough to make sacrifices, get help, give myself a break, and give them one also. They could not watch what they wanted to watch, go where they wanted to go, do whatever they wanted to do. Not in MY HOUSE. I took care of them both with an iron fist. Now, I didn’t live a perfect Ms. Thang life. Uh uh, I lived a very colorful life exploring everything I could. And I have to say that it certainly helped me be a better mother when it came to my children. Those two Diamonds have my heart.

    Again my dear, we have everything we need to make our next decision better… the question is how many will use our gifts and turn things around. Our children need us in more ways than we can count.

  13. Zara Green says:

    I agree Diamond, it’s hard to watch. This is why I believe it’s necessary to share our experiences because the more information young people have the more they have to determine what’s best for them…I’m about providing information to expand options.

    That’s what sharing how you handled things in your house will do for a reader.

    Thanks for that Diamond. 🙂

  14. Lil Diamond says:

    From Diamond’s Daughter, lil diamond, Braye Childs-Lewis

    From a teens point of view: parents talk, kids just dont listen..or maybe they do, but regardless we know right from wrong & alot of us just choose wrong because we think we’re young and have all the time in the world to fix our mistakes & change our ways. What alot of us do not realize is the decisions we make now affect us in the long run.

    However, this is not all of us..as you already know Ma

  15. Zara Green says:

    Lil Ms. Diamond. 🙂 So precious, you are. Sorry for my weekend delay in responding…

    Thank you for bringing it from a teens perspective. I believe you’re right. We’ve all been teenagers – living like “it won’t happen to me” or thinking our parents were so old that we had time…hmmm…now, we all know that it wasn’t that long ago, at all, when we were teenagers. 🙂

    So teenagers, listen to me…you’ll be “old” trying to prevent your kids from their own decisions sooner than you know. 🙂

    Thank you Lil Diamond. Keep listening to your Mama because as you know, what you do today will indeed impact your tomorrow.

    Huge Hugs ‘n Much Love ❤

  16. Pingback: Sexually Uninhibited Or Just Loose « NEXT Decision BETTER ™

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