Have you ever been at home with a plan that did not include anybody else, and then the door bell rings? …and rings…and whomever it is at the door they just won’t let up off of the bell? “Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong…”
Stop Ding Donging!
You hear the bell and you are trying with everything you’ve got to get “ready enough” to get to the door…”ding-dong, ding-DONG, DING-DONG…” By now, you’re yelling…”ALRIGHT!” OR “WHO IS IT?” but they can’t hear you because of the damn bell…“DING-DONG….”
That’s how you sound to the people around you when you won’t let things go. When you wear pain like a garment and make sure that everybody sees it!
The same mental and emotional aggravation experienced by that damn bell at the door when you want it to stop but can’t get to it, is what friends and family experience whenever you go to that hurtful place in your past.
In the beginning they were sensitive to you and heard your cries…
“I can’t believe he cheated on me…”
“They fired me…and I was doing the best I could…”
“The white man got his foot on my throat…”
“But, I’m a good person, why did this happen to me…”
“I’m a single parent…”
“The devil is a thief…he’s so busy”
“I was good enough to go to the ‘Pros’”
“Those black people moved in…”
“I gave him my everything and I deserve more than that…”
Okay, so I had a little fun with some of these, but they are all relevant. They come from a place of pain. And your stubbornness to hold onto to it as your life-long truth is breathing life into the pain. When you persistently “ding-dong” (I got this term from my mother who has a low tolerance for “broken records”), you become a victim. That energy will attract those who see the world as you do, and it will repel anybody who operates at a higher frequency, yes, even your friends and family members.
It's a CHOICE!
For those who won’t help you wallow in the pain will, at first challenge you in an attempt to help you grow. But after a while, they’ll realize that the danger of sticking with you while you wallow is that they could lose their edge, and will instead choose to love you from afar.
Come Up Hither
When you find yourself ding donging, you’re in a danger zone; in danger of choosing to be a victim and causing those who are equipped to help you through tough situations to cut you off!
So what other options do you have? Start with this understanding, you can only hit what you aim at, so if you’re focused on seeming injustices and stuck on remaining the victim you’ve already written your future.
Ding-donging on the past will keep you in the past. What do you want to happen in your life? Then for the sake of a better future and your relationships, that is what you should get focused on or you’ll learn that, eventually, people follow your lead. It’s a waste of energy to want more for somebody than they are willing to do for themselves. Learn to bet ON yourself for the sake of your future, not against yourself based on your past.
Here we grow…Grown IS Sexy!
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I will NOT give women a pass on this – PooNannie Phoolery is on you! “Why not Penis Phoolery, Zara”, they say, “men are just as guilty! What happened to equal responsibility?” Because the responsibility is NOT equal!
A woman has to yield to penis entry so she holds more responsibility. It’s HER PooNannie he’s after and she’s got to become more saavy about why he wants it, get clear about why she yields, get more discerning about whom she distributes it to and how she dispenses all sexual activities.
No, it ain’t equal!
Raise the Bar for Entry!
I’m hard on women about PooNannie Phoolery because, with rare exceptions of tragedy, its ripple effects can’t happen without your permission: diseases can’t spread, men can’t become “dogs” (they can come hunting, but you don’t have to become their prey), babies can’t be produced – none of it can happen without YOU yielding to the process. When you protect your PooNannie, you protect your hearts – your mental, emotional and physical health; you protect your life!
I will continue to declare that the responsibility has to lay heavier on the woman because she has to yield to it. And she’s the one left to clean up the massive messes it leaves.
40 is the new 20, “they” say. I say (2) two 22′s ain’t got squat on me at 44! If you’re approaching 40 and intimidated because you think you’re losing something – stick with me, here!
While I was a rising star as a young woman with a bangin’ body (If I might say so myself, lol) – a force to reckon with, I wouldn’t trade who I am today, nor change EVEN ONE experience to go back there. I’m even over wishing I had my 22 year old bangin’ body. These voluptuous curves suit me and grown men love ‘em!
You’ve got to get comfortable with your life – as it is! That includes every experience, with the body you have. You’ve got to learn how to fold it all in because it’s all purposeful. Otherwise, you’re robbing yourself of the life you’re intended to enjoy with your current realities. As my beau always says: where you’ve been is the floor, where you’re going is the ceiling and don’t ever confuse the two!
I understand that some of you had to grow up fast and feel you missed something, but there’s a way to be fulfilled at any age without retarding to activities of the youth. If that’s what you think you missed out on and now trying to recapture it, you can have fun without being foolish!
I even understand that growing older can be a weird experience with the body alone as it softens, droops, and the hair grays. And once that starts we soon learn that those are just the tip of the aging iceberg to the other things that we can not avoid: the internal stuff from menstruation to menopause and all their related natural functions and symptoms that make themselves known.
So, all you professed cougars: you can tuck, suck, stick, nip and dye but you can not stop NATURAL progression! It’s natural! And like everything else in life, the progression will be as kind to you as you are to it! And the PooNannie Phoolery…I’ll leave that for another day.
They DROOP and SAG too!
You don’t lose ANY thing as you grow older. You, actually GAIN! You gain more insight about this thing called life, if you’d only embrace every experience you’ll also see how you can use them – right where you are. At 40 you’re supposed to be able to look over the course of your life and see behaviors and attitudes that resemble a damn fool, otherwise, you’d still be one! And everybody plays the fool, sometime! It’s okay, and better that you do BEFORE 40!
By 40, you have wisdom! You may fail to honor it, but your life experience has shown you what works and what doesn’t. You may choose to ignore it and keep operating the same ways, but by 40 you KNOW that there’s a better way even if you haven’t figured out what it is or how to actualize it in your life.
Here’s the “how.”..just do it!
In most of us, there’s a switch that automatically clicks around forty. It’s like an adventurous license! Suddenly, you’re FREE! The things you used to fear, you aren’t scared of any more. The people we were taught to revere who hadn’t earned it, all of a sudden – they could kiss your happy ass! You’re doing YOU, and that’s more important than what they think about it. You’ve learned to accept who you are – good, bad, and ugly – yet embrace you!
Perspective IS everything and the only right perspective is that your life could NOT have gone any differently than it did and you are perfect as you are!
That doesn’t mean there’s no room for progress, but hell, that’s what life is – learn more and do better! Take care of yourself as best you can, accept all of you – and always making your NEXT Decision BETTER! That’s IT and that’s ALL!
For the ladies who are threatened by the 20 and 30 somethings because you believe men want eye-candy more than sense, YOU’RE RIGHT…because you believe it! But your thinking could not be more wrong and YOU ARE A MAGNET! You can only attract that which you’ve accepted as truth. But if you work on refining all that you are and embrace your value, you can also attract a man who values all of you!
I mean come on! Men have natural progressions TOO! Do you really want the man who wants a 20 something on his arm when we ALL KNOW that their natural progression is that eventually (and if you’re 40, that means now or really soon for him!) he’s not far from going graying or going bald, having love handles, stamina waning and needing Viagra!! He can have 10 twenty-year old lil’ hos on his side, he can’t fool mother nature!
Yep, I called ‘em lil’ hos…because more often than not those relationships are about transactions!
Look, “that “man is sick in the head! He’s trying to recapture something. And I don’t want him! Neither will I have him. And I certainly won’t permit HIS choices to determine MY worth!
Look woman: you are beautiful and every scar, wrinkle, droop and gray hair is uniquely yours. Wear them like accessories and badges of honor because you’re still here and they represent your strength! You’ve fought the good fight and now, the world is your oyster. Sisters UNITE! Stop tearing each other down. We all have natural accessories that are uniquely us. Embrace your own and see the beauty they represent so we can, all, wear them comfortably because they look damn good on us. So let’s not dishonor them, by failing to wear them well.
If you happen to have a mutual attraction with a younger man, I’m not talking to you. You should enjoy each other, but if it’s what you seek…YOU KNOW!
I’ve never meant this more…Grown IS Sexy!
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Absolute Disbelief
This TRICK set up a Facebook page that mirrored mine. No really, she copied and pasted my posts as her original material, stole my blog posts and turned them into “notes” tagging friends and celebrities, and even hinted that soon there will be a book, “Pocketbook Principles” from my “PooNannie Principles,” lessons from my Daddy.
Here are a couple of examples how she modified my posts: On this one she removed “-Sam Green, Sr. aka My Daddy” entirely. No credit to him, at all for his quotes.
This was a post with comments on the Grown IS Sexy! page that she turned into a note, tagging people.
She’s copied some of my blogs too, including my Divorce Is Not An Option blog and creating a note.
As I scrolled her page, my “NEXT Decision BETTER” became her “Next and Better Decision”. My Daddy’s quotes, “Sam Green, Sr.” became just “S G, Sr.” and my “Lessons from the Barbershop” became her “Lessons from the Shop”. My “We’re Growin’ UP” became her “We’re Goin’ Up” and my “Grown IS Sexy” became her “Grown and Sassy”. She made these changes but EVERYTHING ELSE remained as I originally posted them.
There are SO MANY of my single posts that she turned to notes.
I created the Grown IS Sexy! “fan” page on Facebook and everyday for the past 2 years I post and engage discussions on self development for self leadership integrating many terms I’ve created from seminars and workshops over the years that have taken on a life of their own. And I freely share my experiences and life lessons.
Flattered My Ass, I Am PISSED!
Me and Daddy
Some of you know the relationship that I have with my father. At 44, I am still Daddy’s little girl. Along with many other things, my father taught me everything I needed to know about sex much of which I learned growing up in his barbershop. I hold those lessons very near and dear. So, for this TRICK to claim my experiences as her own, even my Daddy as hers, PISSES me off!
I am not flattered that she wants to be me or that she is claiming my work. My daily interaction with those on my fan page is, kind of, my ministry. I love sharing digestible nuggets that help others “Courage UP” and make better decisions. And we have some powerful discussions on the Grown IS Sexy! page and now, frankly, I feel violated.
She has gone as far as extracting from the comment sections where I’ve clarified a post all the more or responded to people’s personal experiences to extract each of my comments and create “notes” on her Facebook “fan” page, which are the equivalent to a blog – all my words, verbatim.
I have myself on Google Alert (which I highly recommend), so whenever anybody posts, mention or repost my work I get an automatic alert and I periodically Google my terms. I started using “Sam Green-ism” and so I Googled it and found that she had been copying and pasting my work for over a year. I went back to July 2010 and was exhausted so I stopped.
We’re All Born With Talent
You've Got Talent
Well, not exactly! We are all born with natural propensities – a natural lean toward certain abilities. And it is every individual’s task to identify what those are (the easy part because they show up even if you’re not looking for them) and then to hone those skills which unveil our talents. It is then our job to develop those talents over time.
I’m very passionate about individuality, and so clear about the different traits and experiences that make us all different and valuable that I teach it; I’ve produced two audio books about it, Living in Harmony and Living by Design. If this thief would spend her time honing her own natural abilities, she’d find the wealth of value within her and would feel absolutely foolish stealing my work.
There Are No Shortcuts
Those of us who have known levels of success know that the path to success is not a straight line and there are no shortcuts!
I was a traveling speaker and trainer, literally in a different city every day teaching professional development – communications, interpersonal, and leadership skills. I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology and since age 17, I’ve been fascinated with temperaments, so in every session I’ve ever taught I teach temperaments; show people their individual value. It was all on the road when I realized that I loved teaching personal growth; seeing people have light bulb moments.
Bottom Line: my path, my experiences, my natural abilities and honed talents make me the expert on the things that I teach, including PooNannie responsibility.
While I am pissed that she would try to claim my work as her own, even hinting at a book of MY “PooNannie Principles” only she’s calling it “Pocketbook Principles” she is not me.
Speaking of no shortcuts…HELL, do you know how long it took me to put “PooNannie” in writing?!?!
I’ve been known for talking about the “PooNannie” in sessions for years, but I was so afraid of being known as “The PooNannie Lady.” People have been asking for my book, but I had to get comfortable with my ability to tastefully convey the messages AND, frankly, to be known as The PooNannie Lady before I would share them in such public forums.
The book is coming. I’ve been working on it and I’m not rushing it because of this. It’s my path, my experiences – it’s MY LIFE! I’m clear that nobody can tell, nor share my life better than I can. Nobody can steal that!
FYI…I have reported the page to Facebook but haven’t heard from them yet, but get this…just before posting this, another Facebook page surfaced with my posts called: Life After Separation and Divorce. From what I can tell it’s the same TRICK (it’s the nicest thing I can call her right now)!
There are literally more posts on her page that are mine than are not! I scrolled her page in absolute disbelief! She continues to delete my supporters comments but my content remains. You can see the page here.
Here’s to finding the wealth of value within you and developing the best, YOU! We’re Growin’ UP…Grown IS Sexy!
UPDATE (October 21, 2010): Since I posted this blog, I’ve learned who she is and reached out to her. Many of my supporters after hearing about this covered her page, comment after comment, about infringing on my intellectual property. She’s so insistent on continuing that she is diligently removing all of their comments but not my content. Neither has she responded to me.
UPDATE: (October 22, 2010) Like many of you I’ve worked on my brand for years and this just does not sit well with me. As of yet, Facebook still hasn’t responded to my submission but we have self-policed and got her attention. But it doesn’t mean she’s repentant; she’s changed her settings so that we can no longer leave comments and as a result all of our comments were automatically removed, but my content still remains.
From what I have gathered about her, she has several businesses…a hustler! All I know is that publishing MY CONTENT had better not be one of them. Again, many many thanks to those of you who have rallied with me on this.
If you had any kind of reaction to this post please tell me about it in the comment section below.
And, please share it with your Social Media friends. DO share your gifts, but beware.
I heard a young woman recently say that she lost her virginity before she had her first kiss. That is just mind-boggling to me. She went on to say that she’d had multiple sexual partners in an attempt to improve her sexual skills.
Now if prostitution is a career path and she’s living in Nevada where it’s perfectly legal, and it’s the family business, I totally understand that, otherwise, somebody failed her miserably.
“Every Tom, Dick and Harry ain’t supposed to know how you moan, Baby; that list ought to be very short. Your reputation depends on it.”–Sam Green, Sr. aka My Daddy
By now, most of you know that I grew up in my Daddy’s barber shop and beauty salon and that he did not censor any conversations for my sake. In fact, he knew that allowing me to get the uncensored versions of how differently men and women thought about and used sex would be to my benefit.
This post is not to condemn any person because all any of us can do is that which we know. But as with every PooNannie Post, it is to spark conversation about behaviors because to be sexually uninhibited is a good thing when in healthy context, but to be “Loose” is just irresponsible.
Sexual Guidance is Good Parenting
Our society is moving so fast and parents are so busy running the rat race while sexuality expands, evolves and/or unveils that we are all still trying to figure out where we are sexually, and too many parents, therefore provide little, if any, guidance for our children. And when left to their own devices, they make it up as they go and their experiences become their truth. And being the humans we are, when we reinforce our” truth(s)” through conditioning, how we are conditioned becomes our reality.
Let’s face it, sex has never been an easy subject for most adults, even today in our very actively sexual society, parents are still not talking with their children about what it means to be sexually responsible. Mostly, because they themselves have not been, or worse, still are not.
PooNannie: the delicacy between a woman’s legs
(according to the Urban Dictionary)
Delicacy or Stankin’ Tuna?
No, this is not just about loose girls and loose women, we all know that boys and men are as sexually irresponsible, but they can’t do it without you women (you know the exceptions, but I’m not going there in this post)!
WOMAN: You are the gatekeepers and you have to get smarter about how you’re using that tool between your legs. Too many of you, especially you “I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T Women”, are just doling it out freely, uninterrupted and uninhibited – proving that intellect does not equal smart.
She’s educated! A professional – handling her business and climbing the success ladder all week long, but when dealing with men she trades in her brilliant brain for a box of rocks!
A smart woman wouldn’t dilute the overall value of a delicacy by turning hers into a stankin’ tuna!
“Reputations can be improved, but never removed. You can recover from being a ‘bitch’, but some labels are irreparable…you don’t ever want to be known as the neighborhood ho”. –Sam Green, Sr. aka My Daddy
The PooNannie is a delicacy. Treat H.E.R. as such – with Honor, Esteem and Respect.
Here’s what you’ll find: when you do, you’ll attract men who will treat you the same way – with Honor, Esteem and Respect…and you will have deserved it. We tend to get what we deserve.
We’re Growin’ UP…Grown IS Sexy!
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When I look at my life’s hardest emotional moments they were also the most transforming times. It wasn’t the decisions that led me to circumstances that had the most gratifying impacts, it was the decisions to move beyond them. The most emotionally challenging times were also the most emotionally developing times. Here’s a snapshot of my transformational reflection.
Be Ye Transformed…
Life beyond moving from the comforts of home, NOLA with family to another city, only knowing one person more than 20 years ago as a young woman in search of “more” for myself.
Life beyond, not the marriage, but the divorce was the most transforming (marrying is easy, so is staying in a marriage rather than mustering the courage to leave).
Life beyondhealth challenges that threatened psychological balance and quality of life.
Life beyond, leaving organized religion after 30 years and graduating from ministerial school in a mega church where I’d served for over a decade. Yep, I’m a church boycotting Minister.
Life beyond, divorcing again and moving cross-country away from everything and everybody I knew to intentionally shed everything I thought I knew in order to view life with no preconceived notions.
Life beyond stigmas and labels others wanted to define me as, that I refused to be limited by.
Life beyond, businesses that didn’t turn profits. (Notice that I didn’t call them failures.)
Life beyond, accepting the betrayal of those who were supposed to love and support me.
Life beyond…
Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind; what you THINK you know, how you THOUGHT things would be and be ever willing to grow when it’s uncomfortable, trusting that Source ‘got’ you – that’s faith in action! Trusting that Source is smarter than you are; that if it is, it’s supposed to be.
Today, I have a low tolerance for misery. It’s a decision. You could make it too. Join me. Life beyond pain and fear is where the real joy of living is, but you’ll only know that if you’ll Courage UP. Dare to embrace the adventurous journey just waiting to breath life back into you.
When I reflect over my life on the things that’s brought me the most joy they were preceded by things that brought me the most pain and/or a really scary situation.
Life begins when you’ll dare move, beyond. Grow with me…Grown IS Sexy!
Feel free to leave a comment on some of your “Life Beyond” and transforming experiences. Go ahead, I’m listening! Help others to move beyond the pain.
We all have THAT family member who says (or used to say), “you’ve got to die of something” as an excuse to not take responsibility for their own health…don’t be THAT family member, okay?
If you can not look back over the course of your life and recall some thoughts you’ve had, feelings you’ve felt and things you’ve done and see a damn fool, then you still are one! I KNOW I’ve been one! Which upon reflection makes me ever-grateful for my capacity to learn, my willingness to embrace what is and for the growth I’ve seen and know that I’ll continue to experience because I’m determined to keep making my NEXT Decision BETTER™.
NEXT Decision BETTER™ is not just my mantra for emotional decision it’s applicable in all things!
Deciding Is Hard!
This is a tough post because usually my blog posts are about self development for the purpose of self leadership involving emotional things and this one goes beyond that, but still about YOU – you making your NEXT Decision BETTER™ from the sodas you drink and the toothpaste you use, to the convenience of how you prepare your food. DON’T YOU DARE CLICK THAT ‘BACK’ BUTTON. *side-eye stare* This is for YOUR health which is YOUR Responsibility and I agree, deciding TO take responsibility for your health can be hard. But deciding TO is the hardest part. So come on…
Cancer is running rampant, but there are things you can do to minimize its affects. I am not sharing this to condemn you, rather to inform, enlighten and with hope that you’ll make decisions to transform you, as I have and continue to be informed, enlightened and transformed.
Following are just some of the things I’ve modified or changed completely for my overall health and why, along with links with more information. Sometimes, in our capitalistic society you have to dig a little deeper for the truth. I decided that I’m worth it and I’m sharing this in hopes of you looking at your own life not just for longevity, but also to do your part to live the highest quality of life, possible.
Carbonated Drinks
I have not had a carbonated soda in over a decade because the body wasn’t built to handle it, and within just 60 minutes of having drank a Cola, the body is taxed in ways that, overtime breaks it down.
Soda and M & M’s are what got me through college as a full time student and full time employee when I’ve had to keep late nights or pull all nighters, but as I began to take ownership of my health I had to change.
So What Do I Drink in the Place of Soda Now?
Sometimes, “not from concentrate” juices or just water with lemon. For a refreshing drink, I occasionally add Bragg’s Apple cider Vinegar and Grade B Maple Syrup to my water.
Microwave Ovens
I’ve not, intentionally, had microwaved food since 2006. I say, intentionally, because you don’t always know how something’s prepared when eating out although I’ve learned to be more proactive about ordering in restaurants. In my house, the only purpose a microwave serves is to kill the germs in sponges; that’s its only use for me because the hidden hazards of microwave use makes me lose my appetite.
How do I warm my food, you wonder?
I am old school, cooking and warming everything stove top or in the oven. Technology is a beautiful thing, but we have a responsibility to know their effectsand to make responsible choices.
Deodorant
In 2006, at the instruction of my wellness therapist, when fibroid tumors nearly killed me, I had a minerals analysis done and the aluminum in my body was off the charts! The biggest contributor of aluminum in the body, daily and overtime is deodorant. It was back to nature for me!
To Deoderize or Not To Deoderize?
Unless I’ve got somewhere to go I don’t put anything under my arms. Seasons influence my decisions when I do have to go somewhere. If it’s cold/cool out I’ll only use baking soda. I make sure my underarms are completely dry and then with a dry makeup sponge I pat underarms like a light powder. It totally works!
On hot summer days, I’ll do the same but I am mindful that it doesn’t last as long as the aluminum stuff, so I’ll either pack washing gear to refresh or bite the bullet and use a itsy-bitsy tiny dab of regular deodorant. As for my experience with the alternative deodorants, I haven’t found them to work any better than ‘Just Baking Soda’.
There are reports of baking soda naturally being aluminum free, AND there are reports of it not being, SO just to be safe I use Bob’s Red Mill Aluminum-Free Baking Soda.
Fluoride Toothpaste
When you get on the journey of making better decisions where your health is concerned, which also means getting off of the traditional tracks of medicine, you’ll learn of many things that society feeds you as good for you is all about a dollar – FOR THE INDUSTRY. YOU are just their pawns and this “fluoride” business is a piece of work. From your water to your toothpaste.
So How DO I keep Mine Pearly White?
I’ve got some pearly whites and it’s not because of any of the major brand toothpastes, nor because of cosmetically altered dental work. It’s because I went back to doing what my father, who’s now 73 and still has all of teeth and never any teeth issues, has always done – peroxide to ward off infection and baking soda to clean. And just because I enjoy the effects of a motorized toothbrush and mine happens to call for two different brush attachments and a tongue brush, I also finish off with, JASON Healthy Mouth Tea Tree, natural fluoride-free toothpaste. (Note: all of JASON’s Toothpastes are NOT fluoride-free)
Milk/Dairy Products
By age 2 your body stopped producing the enzymes needed to digest cow’s milk that’s why most human beings don’t tolerate it well. Milk coagulates and forms cancer producing environments in the body.
This video is by an 8th grade student who knows what it took me years to learn.
What Alternatives Are There?
Generally I don’t like dairy products so not drinking milk or eating yogurt and cottage cheese are not a big stretch for me. I do love cheese but I don’t buy it. I will have a piece or two at events and admittedly, I’m still a bit of a hypocrite because although I don’t outright drink milk I love coffee and I’m a coffee snob. I’ll only drink it with raw sugar and organic half ‘n half (don’t get me started on the hormones, antibiotics and other added mess that cows are fed that affect us). I’ve quit coffee on several occasions and will again, but for not now. *side-eye stare*
I will have Almond Milk when I think I want cereal which is rare or occasionally Goat, Coconut and Soy Milk. Aside from the couple tablespoons of organic half ‘n half everyday, I stopped dairy products over a decade ago.
That’s IT…Don’t Want To OverWhelm You.
Sure, there are many other things I could mention, but I don’t want to overwhelm you, I want to heighten your awareness and maybe trigger something in you to start the journey of ABSOLUTE personal responsibility. Once you start the journey, it’ll lead you on your own path to learn even more and be inspired to make better decisions about your health.
When I left home, not long after college – in my early 20’s – I was intent on being and doing what my parents hoped and instilled in – better than they were and had done. To me that meant to have a better life than they did because I’d been granted the education that they weren’t, so I should do things they hadn’t and have more than they did. That’s about as far as “better” went in my mind at that time.
But then, after leaving my home environment (family, city, culture) and experiencing another (and eventually many others) it expanded my knowledge, options and choices, but decisions on all of this new information was solely up to me. I could choose to completely L.E.G. UP in life, to slightly modify based on all my new knowledge or to reject it all.
Cancer has been a theme throughout my family and since my first surgery at 14 I became very aware of it’s presence within me. Knowing that there is a genetic predisposition is one reason I’ve made changes. Another is the rise of cancer occurrences as it relates to technology and capitalism.
If you are not awakened to anything else from this post, you have to consider that what you consume and its effects are your responsibility. No, there are no guarantees that making any changes will keep you any healthier, but just because you can do some things doesn’t mean you should and just because they sell it doesn’t mean you should buy/use it…LEARN what you need to learn about what you consume so you can make better decisions.
So don’t say you didn’t know! NEXT Decision BETTER ™
Feel free to leave a comment on some of the things you’ve changed – for your health. Go ahead…I’m listening…
The first day of spring I got a wild hair up my arse!
That’s the only way to describe what prompted My Big Chop, or in my case, what became My Clean Shave.
To call me impulsive would be, situation-ally accurate, but spontaneous is more fitting. To say that I’m rash could be applicable, but decisive is more like it.
It was Sunday, March 20, 2011, the first day of spring after, what I’ve been told, was the harshest winter in the Northeast. It was also my first winter in the Northeast. I’m such a sun-bunny that I welcomed spring with open arms and after enjoying sunshine and warmth on my deck all day, feeling extra grateful that the snow was done for the season (or so I thought – it returned the very next day) I decided to honor that day with a personal mark of renewal – in a way that only I could make it so as the sun went down I decided I wanted a fresh start – a new me, so I started cutting; chopping about an inch at a time.
Just Started Cutting
When I got down to what was only “new growth” I realized I’d done, The Big Chop.
The Big Chop!
But I couldn’t seem to stop so I grabbed my beau’s clippers. My Big Chop then became My Clean Shave.
Electric Shaved
But was that enough…no…I had to grab the close triple blade and then my head felt like lamb’s skin leather and was as smooth as a baby’s bottom.
Triple Blade Shaved
I’ve always known that I’d cut all of my hair off, if for no other reason to create an adventure for myself; it’s my nature to create experiences. But this time I had an even deeper reason.
“Knowing that we differ is not enough! Understanding HOW we differ is the foundation to self-esteem and respect in any relationship.” ~Zara Green
I’ve been all over the country telling people how to make their NEXT Decision BETTER as an Individuality Advocate, with expertise in temperaments and resilience. My messages are about Living by Design and Living in Harmony: identifying what makes you – you, distinguishing your unique qualities, embracing all of you…establishing a foundation to put YOU, first and to live your best life as harmoniously as possible, with others.
Moving to New York brought me to a realization: I know what qualities distinguish me, I’m clear about my value, and am most comfortable in my own skin – I live my best life, but there was a part of me that I didn’t know, authentically.
I hadn’t felt my natural hair in over 30 years. I’d also never been convicted about that before, but it seemed that my New York audiences were overwhelmingly filled with women who were natural. And I began to feel the need to know me in that way, and even I was shocked.
You see, I’d been happily permed and didn’t have any desire to be anything else. (You can read about my Southern-bred assimilation experiences here.) Although I’ve lived from Atlanta to Los Angeles, I’m a Southern Girl and mostly working as an independent contractor in the corporate world, going “natural” was out of the question in my world. In my world, going natural was synonymous with possibly not working so I never considered it.
Now here’s what happened about 3 days after The Big Chop. Producers for the Biography Channel called me to be the personal development expert in the “Ted Williams: Homeless to Hollywood story” (you can read the blog that made them want me) which meant, my bald head would be on a national (possibly international) stage.
I’ve gotten all kinds of responses to My Clean Shave, mostly supportive, but I did have some family and friends (from the South and still very much so stuck in some of my prior thinking) who have been clear about their displeasure. (Yeah, I know, it’s MY head, but their displeased…betta know what you want and do it, despite them!) Like one childhood friend whose response to my answer to why I cut it, “…got a wild hair up my arse”: Why didn’t you just cut the wild hair?!
Anyway, I don’t know where this journey will take me, but I’m enjoying the Shaved Head for now. Feeling extra grown about it, and Grown ISSexy!
TOO CUTE, HUH?
Now tell me…have you done The Big Chop? Would you do The Big Chop? What do you think about My Big Chop?
One can’t help but feel warm and fuzzy for Ted Williams and his seemingly miraculous journey from homeless to hopeful. But unless a life transformation support system is put in place to secure his success he will soon be helpless, and possibly homeless, again.
It’s hard to find anybody who hasn’t been affected by addiction. Addicts and their family and friends know that it’s a BEAST! The combination of drugs, years of homelessness (especially after knowing a level of success), the added shame, isolation and criminal activity inevitably means a turbulent and long mental, emotional and physiological road ahead for Williams.
A Media and Marketing Ploy
Second chances are great, but let’s be real: These “miracles” of raining job opportunities and employment contracts for Ted Williams are not the end of his trials, but rather the beginning. His sudden access to income poses as much threat as they do potential, so failing to treat his situation holistically is nothing short of a set up for him and his family for even more, greater disappointment.
From Whence Ted Came
A real commitment to Ted Williams would include a life transformation support system that will teach him how to thrive in his new life. Anything other than that is a media ploy of good will that will only benefit its marketers.
(Since posting this blog much has happened with Ted. Here’s a time line of sorts – a journalists account of the media’s “inability to resist the rags to riches to rehab storyline”)
Mommy Cares, but Skeptical
As she should be after 20 plus years of promises and disappointments, “Mommy” (it’s what 54 year old Ted calls his mother) has more proof that Ted won’t make it than she does that he will. From all public accounts she seems to be set in her beliefs and ways. Like all Mommies, Ms. Julia’s got her own issues. Sure, Mommy wants better for him. But she’s probably not capable of playing a supportive role, at least in the beginning, in Ted’s transformative journey toward stability.
Ms. Julia is who and what she is – for her son’s good or not. She clearly, above all, wants her son to succeed, to make the most of the new opportunities he’s been presented with. And she’s clearly naïve about the intrinsic nature of transformations because her message hasn’t changed – pray. But if natural talent and prayer were enough it would’ve been enough 20 years ago – it was not enough then, and it’s not enough now.
There are many other videos of Ms. Julia’s feelings about Ted. You’ll find them with a quick Google search or at the end of each of these there are links to others.
Have you ever had somebody who served up regular reminders of what a mess you’ve made of your life? Ms. Williams is consumed with the “shame” Ted’s brought on her and their family. She was incapable of just being happy for him; focusing on his being there with her after two decades apart; appreciating that her son is in a better position than she thought was possible for him; and savoring the moment.
Instead, she speaks more of the hurt, pain, shame, and disappointment Ted’s life has brought her than the opportunities for redemption (isn’t that what she’s been praying for?), sustainable living, reconciliation with his children and grandchildren, not to mention the gift to the world he can give again because the man does have a set of pipes that’s soothing to the soul.
Others are not your problem, rather what you BELIEVE about others.
Totally unintentionally, she’d keep him in the past – making it tough to live in the now in order to create a productive future. After all, it’s where she lives – in the past wrongs that she BELIEVES Ted has done to her.
Role of Religion
Her husband (Ted’s father) was a Jehovah’s Witness and Mommy goes to “a nice church” (her words) in Brooklyn. Now depending on what side of the coin you’re on, their prayers have finally worked or their religion is what’s pushed Ted away. All due respect to religions and spiritual beliefs but here’s the thing about redemption and miracles, they need cooperation. Ted needs some life skills to deal with where he’s been, what he’s lived and what he BELIEVES about it all in order to successfully navigate where he’s going.
Opportunity is Doomed without Transformation
While many are throwing money at him right now, along with that he needs refining because the moment he embarrasses one of his sponsors, the rug will be pulled and he’ll become the man who was given such tremendous opportunities, but blew it!
What Ted Williams needs is time and space to grow, along with the opportunities. He needs teachers who’ll be friends, too – who will treat him tenderly yet firmly as he develops confidence, discipline, focus and patience. Because voiceover work is about more than speaking; it’s often a game of hurry up, wait and do overs. He’ll need permission to miss it while trying to make it in daily interactions because in the media business, interpersonal and social skills are imperative. He needs to know that it’s okay to be afraid, but not to the point of impeding progress. And he shouldn’t be expected to be an All Star overnight, rather he must be given space to learn – NEXT Decision BETTER, Ted!
Inner City Athletes-Rappers Success Syndrome (ICARSS)
Yeah, I made that up. But the way inner-city kids/young adults who aren’t used to having money and fame screw up opportunities by continuing to operate in all that they know – without any new skills to deal with their new lives – is what we can expect from Ted Williams without a transformation support system. This would include drug counseling and support in recovery, family and relationship therapy, life-skills development, etc., to help in his many transitions.
The list of examples of ICARSS is CRAZY: Lil Wayne, Mike Tyson, Lil Kim, Michael Vick, T.I., Ray Lewis, Mystikal, Ricky Williams, RemyMa, Lawrence Taylor, GucciMane, Michael Irvin, C-Murder, Ray Carruth, Foxy Brown. And the list of self destructive behaviors and collateral damage goes on and on, from jail to broke and every kind of trouble in between, until they learned to effectively live their new lives and acclimate to changing environments.
No, Ted Williams is not a kid – he’s well into his 50s – proof that age has nothing to do with effective living. Everyone has the capacity to learn, as proven by most of the ICARRS examples I just mentioned, but what he needs to learn in order to be considered a success will happen over time, not over night and he WILL have some hiccups and setbacks – many of which are already being set up.
He’s never had an apartment, yet they’ve offered him a house…Set up!
He’s not paid bills yet they’re trusting him to be financially responsible…Set up!
According to him, he hadn’t spoken with his mother in a decade nor seen her in two decades, yet they put them on national television for a “reunion” exposing their vulnerabilities and the dysfunctionality of their relationship…Set up!
He’s not had a relationship with his children, lived on the streets for 20 years, begged to eat, became a repeat felon to support an alcohol and drug addiction and now he’s got thousands of dollars in income being offered, without any new skills to deal with any of it…HUGE Set UP!
I want the best for Ted Williams and I hope that those offering him all these wonderful opportunities will collectively commit to him as a project because he’ll need mental and emotional stability – tools to be responsible to and for self and accountable to those paying him. At this point, he’s not even remotely able to handle the pressure of suddenly being depended upon, to be fiscally prudent or to be a real success story.
Praying and hoping for the best is not the same as properly assessing what is and effectively plotting a course that ensures success.
A RESOLUTION is a process toward an intention, not an abrupt ending nor an assurance of change upon a declared date.
Who in the world went and changed the whole definition of a resolution – setting us all up for disappointments, year after year? Let’s get it straight so that our resolutions are really achievable this year, and every year!
New Year’s Resolutions usually entail stopping and/or starting something:
Start a Diet
Stop Cursing
Start Working Out
Stop Drinking
Start Eating Broccoli
Stop Smoking
Start Going to Church
Stop Lying
Start Spending More Time with my Children
Stop Cheating
…Add Yours
The thing about these starts and stops is that in order to actually do them, you’ve got to change your relationships with them. Yes, you have ‘relationships’ with the things you do and/or don’t do.
We’re all conditioned…so in order to resolve your relationship with the thing you want to start or stop, along with setting your intention, you’ve got to commit to Recondition how you think, feel and respond to it, to Deprogram how you think, feel and respond to it, and to Retrain yourself in more advantageous ways to think about, feel about and respond to it…in some cases it means REparenting because for a lot of us…we get IT from our Mommas and Daddys.
That’s not an indictment of your parents, IT is what it is. The bottom line is that parents can only give you what they’ve got. Full grown adults still blaming their parents for what they’re doing is SO unattractive – YOU are YOUR responsibility…what you think, how you feel and what you do, or don’t do…your decisions are yours – you get credit and consequences. Whatever your life IS or IS NOT, it’s YOURS. No more BLAME, nor SHAME. It’s your life: OWN it – just as it is, CHOOSE it – the good, bad and ugly, CHANGE it – as long as you can breathe and learn IT can get better.
Be kinder to you! Making commitments toward resolutions to yourself, instead of promises to others, is a great start. Sure, hold yourself accountable for what you do or don’t do, but don’t beat you up! One of the biggest hindrances to progress is getting stuck on the “bad” thing you do or the “wrong” decision you make, rather than being determined to make a better decision the next time. The person you most have to ‘prove’ to is you. Once you’re confident in your ability to change because you’ve proven it; that evidence of doing better will also have you feeling better. When you feel good about you, you’ll automatically desire more of it and attract it unto yourself, thus progressive change.
Resolutions are kept because you evolve; you change and the things around you change too.
Five things you can do to improve your relationship with the things you want to change/resolve in your life:
1.) Commit to the Process: Recondition, Deprogram, Retrain…for some it means, Reparent.
2.) Be Kind to Yourself by Eliminating Contrasting Concepts: Good/Bad and Right/Wrong…it just “is” and you’re making IT better.
3.) Don’t make promises – Don’t Talk About IT just Be About IT
4.) Keep the Momentum – The person you most have to prove to is yourself, then you can be proud and change will speak for itself.
5.) NEXT Decision BETTER; it’s ALWAYS within reach and NEVER a set up for disappointment
Here’s the beauty of treating resolutions as a process rather than a promise…the promise to start or stop something by a date with no new skills to accomplish is a set up for you to fail and for others to be disappointed, but with a commitment to resolve in 2011, you’ve got all year to do it! And now, you’ve got the formula: one decision at a time making your NEXT Decision BETTER than the LAST.
So, for your 2011 Resolution…Commit to the Process of a Change, Live without Contrasting Concepts, Only Make Promises to Yourself, Maintain Momentum Toward Your Intention and Adapt the Mantra, “NEXT Decision BETTER”!
This Jan 1st, be kinder to you! Years ago, I made a commitment to self to be my best me. “NEXT Decision BETTER” is my life mantra and it’s never let me down even when others feel I’ve let them down – all I can do is my best, and that’s good enough for me. Just decide to do and be, BETTER! Are you with me? We’re Growin’ UP, Grown IS Sexy!
Here’s to a Happier, Transformative You in 2011 and Beyond!
Doing IT Better with ZARA! NEXT Decision…BETTERthan your LAST !
If you’ve enjoyed this blog, do me a favor…Share it with Somebody…Thank you!
On this one she removed “-Sam Green, Sr. aka My Daddy” entirely. No credit to him, at all for his quotes.
*side-eye stare* This is for YOUR health which is YOUR Responsibility and I agree, deciding TO take responsibility for your health can be hard. But deciding TO is the hardest part. So come on…
