Halfway through, I had to take a breather. It’s this kind of Pulpit PooNannie Pushing Phoolery that keeps women secondary in relationships…not AS important because this FOOL whom others are validating (by showing up) as a “man of the cloth” is equating intimacy and sex and to help make his point, he brings a pink stripper’s pole and other salacious props to the pulpit. He further insults the female intelligence (well, the thinking ones) by suggesting that a man satisfies our “cravings - (with) wine, rose petals and flowers” (you better raise the bar…if that’s all he had to do to hit it, you do need some critical thinking skills). What he’s showing is what’s worked for him, and he’s clearly not met a grown woman, or lack the capacity to recognize her.
Pastor's Pulpit Pink Pole PooNannie Phoolery!
Anybody decent has a natural desire to please, at least those closest to them. For a woman, her God and her man top that list. And if Christianity is her chosen philosophy to be governed by, the difference is sometimes blurred as she seeks to be “obedient” to him and his needs!
7-days of sex is all about the man’s satisfaction because if it were about hers, they wouldn’t need “the good pastor” to instruct them to have more – they already would be. The best relationships include sex, but are not BASED on sex and certainly not the quantity of sex. Intimacy and intercourse are not synonymous! This kind of religious blackmail gets my goat!
Ladies: NEXT Decision BETTER™ because it’s women who help to validate a penis-led mentality. If you’re worth more than a screw, stop permitting them to make that your primary value. A man who loves you for you will bend over backwards to make love to your heart and mind to the point that you’re so satisfied that you’ll never withhold sex from him and your relationship will be so multidimensional that sex is not at the forefront of his mind. Yeah, that’s what I said…there are men who will want to do more with and for you than bend you over backwards when you, RAISE THE BAR!
Shock value has its place, but the degradation/objectifying of women from the pulpit under the guise of holiness is foul…and you’re vile to do it Mike Scruggs (you won’t get no title out of me)! You’re still a penis-led boy. Grown men know that 7 days of sex won’t heal a marriage and wouldn’t dare compare who’s gettin’ more.
Grow up…Grown IS Sexy!™
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Have you ever been at home with a plan that did not include anybody else, and then the door bell rings? …and rings…and whomever it is at the door they just won’t let up off of the bell? “Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong…”
Stop Ding Donging!
You hear the bell and you are trying with everything you’ve got to get “ready enough” to get to the door…”ding-dong, ding-DONG, DING-DONG…” By now, you’re yelling…”ALRIGHT!” OR “WHO IS IT?” but they can’t hear you because of the damn bell…“DING-DONG….”
That’s how you sound to the people around you when you won’t let things go. When you wear pain like a garment and make sure that everybody sees it!
The same mental and emotional aggravation experienced by that damn bell at the door when you want it to stop but can’t get to it, is what friends and family experience whenever you go to that hurtful place in your past.
In the beginning they were sensitive to you and heard your cries…
“I can’t believe he cheated on me…”
“They fired me…and I was doing the best I could…”
“The white man got his foot on my throat…”
“But, I’m a good person, why did this happen to me…”
“I’m a single parent…”
“The devil is a thief…he’s so busy”
“I was good enough to go to the ‘Pros’”
“Those black people moved in…”
“I gave him my everything and I deserve more than that…”
Okay, so I had a little fun with some of these, but they are all relevant. They come from a place of pain. And your stubbornness to hold onto to it as your life-long truth is breathing life into the pain. When you persistently “ding-dong” (I got this term from my mother who has a low tolerance for “broken records”), you become a victim. That energy will attract those who see the world as you do, and it will repel anybody who operates at a higher frequency, yes, even your friends and family members.
It's a CHOICE!
For those who won’t help you wallow in the pain will, at first challenge you in an attempt to help you grow. But after a while, they’ll realize that the danger of sticking with you while you wallow is that they could lose their edge, and will instead choose to love you from afar.
Come Up Hither
When you find yourself ding donging, you’re in a danger zone; in danger of choosing to be a victim and causing those who are equipped to help you through tough situations to cut you off!
So what other options do you have? Start with this understanding, you can only hit what you aim at, so if you’re focused on seeming injustices and stuck on remaining the victim you’ve already written your future.
Ding-donging on the past will keep you in the past. What do you want to happen in your life? Then for the sake of a better future and your relationships, that is what you should get focused on or you’ll learn that, eventually, people follow your lead. It’s a waste of energy to want more for somebody than they are willing to do for themselves. Learn to bet ON yourself for the sake of your future, not against yourself based on your past.
Here we grow…Grown IS Sexy!
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Do you know a drug addict – someone hooked on cocaine, meth, heroin? If you’ve known anybody addicted to any of these mind altering drugs then you know that the longer they’re addicted the more brash they get about getting it. From the first hit, all they know is that nothing has ever made them feel like that before and they look forward to the next hit. After a few hits, they begin to get single focused and soon nothing else matters. They want to live in that state of euphoria.
A Gift to Yourself
You may not have ever had a hit of cocaine, meth, or heroin, but if you’ve ever been in love you know that state of euphoria. Your first love interest took you somewhere you’d never been before and you liked it, a lot! For most, you long for it. For others, you want it bad but the pain of having loved and lost hurt so much you’re afraid to be that vulnerable again.
Many people make lifetime decisions in those moments of euphoria because they feel good, but it is not wise to be governed by them.
Intentional Personal Development
Just as you learn other skills, you’ve got to learn how and why you love. What kind of lover are you and what kind do you attract? Is that the kind you want, really? You’ve got to learn to strike balances in what you give and what you get, and it is your responsibility to do so. You deserve love, and you must be responsible for how you acquire it.
The cocaine, meth, and heroin addict is chasing a feeling that cannot be sustained. In the same way, those who fall in love are chasing a fantasy that cannot be sustained. Romantic love is not sustainable and until you’ve done the work of effectively understanding your individual lives and vigilantly co-mingling them your love is not real. It’s a fantasy that has not been tried so it can’t be true.
Sure, you can meet somebody and just on chemistry fall in love, and sex will intensify the attraction. But here’s the inevitable problem with that: that state of euphoria blinds you from seeing incompatibility and by the time you recognize it, if at all, since the relationship was built on emotions it’s hard to, then, objectively judge who’s before you; to see how they actually align with the desires you have for a relationship.
Know What You Want
Unless you know what you want in a relationship, how you want to be treated and what characteristics a suitor has to have in order to be considered compatible, you’ve not done your due diligence and can easily be blinded by chemistry and really confused after sex.
Bottom Line: If s/he’s “all that”, they’ll be that and then some after you’ve done your due-diligence. There are no short-cuts. Stop trying to rush love. True love unfolds, so let it percolate. Time is your friend.
Here we grow…Grown IS Sexy! Next Decision Better!
Share your knowledge…what was his (pseudo) name and what have you learned? your story could help shorten the learning curve of another, so testify!
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40 is the new 20, “they” say. I say (2) two 22′s ain’t got squat on me at 44! If you’re approaching 40 and intimidated because you think you’re losing something – stick with me, here!
While I was a rising star as a young woman with a bangin’ body (If I might say so myself, lol) – a force to reckon with, I wouldn’t trade who I am today, nor change EVEN ONE experience to go back there. I’m even over wishing I had my 22 year old bangin’ body. These voluptuous curves suit me and grown men love ‘em!
You’ve got to get comfortable with your life – as it is! That includes every experience, with the body you have. You’ve got to learn how to fold it all in because it’s all purposeful. Otherwise, you’re robbing yourself of the life you’re intended to enjoy with your current realities. As my beau always says: where you’ve been is the floor, where you’re going is the ceiling and don’t ever confuse the two!
I understand that some of you had to grow up fast and feel you missed something, but there’s a way to be fulfilled at any age without retarding to activities of the youth. If that’s what you think you missed out on and now trying to recapture it, you can have fun without being foolish!
I even understand that growing older can be a weird experience with the body alone as it softens, droops, and the hair grays. And once that starts we soon learn that those are just the tip of the aging iceberg to the other things that we can not avoid: the internal stuff from menstruation to menopause and all their related natural functions and symptoms that make themselves known.
So, all you professed cougars: you can tuck, suck, stick, nip and dye but you can not stop NATURAL progression! It’s natural! And like everything else in life, the progression will be as kind to you as you are to it! And the PooNannie Phoolery…I’ll leave that for another day.
They DROOP and SAG too!
You don’t lose ANY thing as you grow older. You, actually GAIN! You gain more insight about this thing called life, if you’d only embrace every experience you’ll also see how you can use them – right where you are. At 40 you’re supposed to be able to look over the course of your life and see behaviors and attitudes that resemble a damn fool, otherwise, you’d still be one! And everybody plays the fool, sometime! It’s okay, and better that you do BEFORE 40!
By 40, you have wisdom! You may fail to honor it, but your life experience has shown you what works and what doesn’t. You may choose to ignore it and keep operating the same ways, but by 40 you KNOW that there’s a better way even if you haven’t figured out what it is or how to actualize it in your life.
Here’s the “how.”..just do it!
In most of us, there’s a switch that automatically clicks around forty. It’s like an adventurous license! Suddenly, you’re FREE! The things you used to fear, you aren’t scared of any more. The people we were taught to revere who hadn’t earned it, all of a sudden – they could kiss your happy ass! You’re doing YOU, and that’s more important than what they think about it. You’ve learned to accept who you are – good, bad, and ugly – yet embrace you!
Perspective IS everything and the only right perspective is that your life could NOT have gone any differently than it did and you are perfect as you are!
That doesn’t mean there’s no room for progress, but hell, that’s what life is – learn more and do better! Take care of yourself as best you can, accept all of you – and always making your NEXT Decision BETTER! That’s IT and that’s ALL!
For the ladies who are threatened by the 20 and 30 somethings because you believe men want eye-candy more than sense, YOU’RE RIGHT…because you believe it! But your thinking could not be more wrong and YOU ARE A MAGNET! You can only attract that which you’ve accepted as truth. But if you work on refining all that you are and embrace your value, you can also attract a man who values all of you!
I mean come on! Men have natural progressions TOO! Do you really want the man who wants a 20 something on his arm when we ALL KNOW that their natural progression is that eventually (and if you’re 40, that means now or really soon for him!) he’s not far from going graying or going bald, having love handles, stamina waning and needing Viagra!! He can have 10 twenty-year old lil’ hos on his side, he can’t fool mother nature!
Yep, I called ‘em lil’ hos…because more often than not those relationships are about transactions!
Look, “that “man is sick in the head! He’s trying to recapture something. And I don’t want him! Neither will I have him. And I certainly won’t permit HIS choices to determine MY worth!
Look woman: you are beautiful and every scar, wrinkle, droop and gray hair is uniquely yours. Wear them like accessories and badges of honor because you’re still here and they represent your strength! You’ve fought the good fight and now, the world is your oyster. Sisters UNITE! Stop tearing each other down. We all have natural accessories that are uniquely us. Embrace your own and see the beauty they represent so we can, all, wear them comfortably because they look damn good on us. So let’s not dishonor them, by failing to wear them well.
If you happen to have a mutual attraction with a younger man, I’m not talking to you. You should enjoy each other, but if it’s what you seek…YOU KNOW!
I’ve never meant this more…Grown IS Sexy!
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“I’ve never told any of y’all this but I recorded every conversation y’all had.” He went on to say, “You are my children, this is my house, you were using my phone and it was my responsibility to know what you were doing and to protect you, “ he said and then he fell out laughing.
I just hung up the phone with Daddy – he’d held that all this time. He said, “What’s it been now Baby, over 20 years since you moved out? I figure I’d go ahead and tell you now,” as he cracks himself up laughing!
What was I doing as he shared this? I was laughing hysterically with him. Why? Because that is who my Daddy is and, while I didn’t know he was doing it, I’m not, at all surprised.
Parents, please DON'T!
I’m always troubled, okay let me just tell the truth, PERTURBED by what I call “loosey-goosey ass parenting” – more concerned with being a child’s friend than their parent. As a parent there should be times when your child doesn’t like you, at all! Times when they want something really badly, but don’t have the wisdom to know how it won’t be to their advantage because they’re not developed enough to understand, but you; and when you refuse to bend because you care more about protecting them than being disliked (for a period of time) by them.
We repeatedly heard, “I don’t give a damn how you feel about what I’ve told you to do, just do it!” Daddy didn’t bite his tongue, and every threat he ever made he followed through on. We were very clear about where “the line” was with Daddy and we wouldn’t dare cross it!
Was it fear? YEP! A very healthy fear. Fear based on respect for the man who worked very hard to provide more than we needed, but never all that we wanted – balance is so key!
He never told any of us he loved us (while we were young) and we never doubted that he did because love is an action word. One that is not always about what you do for your children. It is also about what you won’t permit and allowing them to do.
Too many parents want to be the “cool parent” and they fail to discipline and establish/reinforce rules. Children will have a lifetime to develop friendships, but only a sliver of time to be parented and that’s sliver prepares them for a lifetime!
Every one of us has rules to follow in life, so should your children. And they should understand that, early!
Respect wasn’t something my parents had to ask for, and we were more reverent of them than we were afraid. When a child doesn’t learn to revere at home, they’ll not just grant that honor on anybody when they leave your house. A child know their loved when there’s boundaries, rules and discipline and when they get into the real world and see that the home prepared them to respect boundaries, follow rules and has given them the tools to then discipline themselves that’s when the appreciation kicks in.
No they don’t like it when it happens, but they love you more when they have points of reference later in life and that’s what parents are supposed to provide!
Daddy was always a step ahead of me and my siblings. Along with having the village who was quick to tell on us (even whip our tails if we really deserved it) he also had the recorded conversations which he kept downstairs in their bedroom out of clear view (and we wouldn’t DARE go through their things). So when we asked to go somewhere and told a story about where we were going and with whom, our recorded conversations would confirm our truth or reveal our lying asses and Daddy would permit us or deny us based on them.
No, he wasn’t invading my privacy. He was protecting me from my own stupidity and I love him all the more for that! He used the latest technologies to keep us safe. Parents today have far more tools available to them and I think they should use them…all of them!
Who knows how much of my youthful stupidity he protected me from? All I know is that his answer was “no” a lot more than it was “yes”, and he established with us early that “No” was a complete sentence.
So thank you, Daddy for using whatever means necessary to invade my privacy! Maybe if more parents would, they’d have less surprises about what their children are REALLY doing and can better guide them, and protect the rest of us.
Tell me what you think…do you think your underage children should have privacy – something in their lives that you should not know about?
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I heard a young woman recently say that she lost her virginity before she had her first kiss. That is just mind-boggling to me. She went on to say that she’d had multiple sexual partners in an attempt to improve her sexual skills.
Now if prostitution is a career path and she’s living in Nevada where it’s perfectly legal, and it’s the family business, I totally understand that, otherwise, somebody failed her miserably.
“Every Tom, Dick and Harry ain’t supposed to know how you moan, Baby; that list ought to be very short. Your reputation depends on it.”–Sam Green, Sr. aka My Daddy
By now, most of you know that I grew up in my Daddy’s barber shop and beauty salon and that he did not censor any conversations for my sake. In fact, he knew that allowing me to get the uncensored versions of how differently men and women thought about and used sex would be to my benefit.
This post is not to condemn any person because all any of us can do is that which we know. But as with every PooNannie Post, it is to spark conversation about behaviors because to be sexually uninhibited is a good thing when in healthy context, but to be “Loose” is just irresponsible.
Sexual Guidance is Good Parenting
Our society is moving so fast and parents are so busy running the rat race while sexuality expands, evolves and/or unveils that we are all still trying to figure out where we are sexually, and too many parents, therefore provide little, if any, guidance for our children. And when left to their own devices, they make it up as they go and their experiences become their truth. And being the humans we are, when we reinforce our” truth(s)” through conditioning, how we are conditioned becomes our reality.
Let’s face it, sex has never been an easy subject for most adults, even today in our very actively sexual society, parents are still not talking with their children about what it means to be sexually responsible. Mostly, because they themselves have not been, or worse, still are not.
PooNannie: the delicacy between a woman’s legs
(according to the Urban Dictionary)
Delicacy or Stankin’ Tuna?
No, this is not just about loose girls and loose women, we all know that boys and men are as sexually irresponsible, but they can’t do it without you women (you know the exceptions, but I’m not going there in this post)!
WOMAN: You are the gatekeepers and you have to get smarter about how you’re using that tool between your legs. Too many of you, especially you “I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T Women”, are just doling it out freely, uninterrupted and uninhibited – proving that intellect does not equal smart.
She’s educated! A professional – handling her business and climbing the success ladder all week long, but when dealing with men she trades in her brilliant brain for a box of rocks!
A smart woman wouldn’t dilute the overall value of a delicacy by turning hers into a stankin’ tuna!
“Reputations can be improved, but never removed. You can recover from being a ‘bitch’, but some labels are irreparable…you don’t ever want to be known as the neighborhood ho”. –Sam Green, Sr. aka My Daddy
The PooNannie is a delicacy. Treat H.E.R. as such – with Honor, Esteem and Respect.
Here’s what you’ll find: when you do, you’ll attract men who will treat you the same way – with Honor, Esteem and Respect…and you will have deserved it. We tend to get what we deserve.
We’re Growin’ UP…Grown IS Sexy!
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I believe that most people enter marriage without any thoughts of divorce. For many people, especially first-timers, it’s a dream realized; a mission accomplished. But for those of us who have been there we know that it’s just the beginning. The beginning of a journey that by its very nature is riddled with trials and complexities; joy and happiness are not by-products of marriage, but they can be the results of a decision each party makes demonstrated through respect for each other and intentional cultivation. And even then, the best intentions are no contest for life’s inevitable curve balls.
“Divorce is not an option.”
Divorce: The Only Option
To some, this declaration is a sign of commitment to the relationship, to others it’s more spiritual – a promise to God. I’ve declared it for both reasons at different times, and my experience is that it was a bondage mentality because sometimes divorce is the only option!
The best approach to any situation is with a flexible mind and pliable heart; fluid to adapt and balance your personal peace as the people, situations and circumstances change around you.
Marriage: A Series of Challenges
Whatever beliefs you enter marriage with, they will be tested. Whatever you believe about your mate will be tested. Whatever plans you make will be tested.
These challenges are all a part of the process of marriage, which inevitably alters your mentality about your marriage (mate). Nobody knows what their marriage will be until they’re in it, and I believe that everybody who’s ever been married has had, at least one, ‘what (the hell) have I done’ moment or ‘who (the hell) have I married’ moment.
If both parties enter the marriage with eyes wide opened, equipped and ready to ride the tides it can be an adventurous joyous journey that binds you all the more because you’re each, intent on learning more about each other and becoming skillful at uniting against issues rather than be divided because of them. Most individuals don’t know how to do that, so division usually prevails.
And after your mentality has been altered, one too many times…like, seeing unsavory things in your mate that you didn’t know was there, patterns emerging, friction looming, etc. (this list could be endless) and you’ve been divided enough that the personal affects in the marriage are not good for you as an individual, divorce has to be an option!
The reality is that, things aren’t always as they appear or they are exactly as they appear but change; sometimes too drastically to bear. In that case, one needs to know that there’s life after divorce. Sometimes just acknowledging that divorce may have to be a possibility could be enough to avoid it, but resisting it as a possibility will not dissolve marital issues.
So yes, “Divorce is not an option” WILL keep you married, but it won’t make you happy.
Marriages don’t end because of one person and their issues. Nobody is ever completely innocent – I don’t care what you’ve heard.
As my mind was transforming toward the end of both marriages, I came to two different realities with the same conclusions: I was not married to the contracts nor to God, but to men. Men that, in the end I declared, “if I knew then what I know now I never would have said, ‘I Do’”!
Lessons Learned Never Cost Too Much!
If divorce is not an option when you’re not happy AND things may not change than you’ve committed to a life of misery. Well, misery has repercussions that all involve misery and you’re the only one responsible for your happiness.
Every marriage, like everything else is filled with teachable moments – mostly, about ourselves. If you were really a student and learned, even if those experiences’ tuition was high, they were all valuable and in my opinion, never wasted – time, sweat neither money nor tears.
I believe it’s smart to recognize when a marriage has run its course and to keep it moving. You shouldn’t be shackled by a belief, nor should anybody be shackled to you.
I can’t even imagine still being married to either of those men (I’m not saying anything against them. This is about me) and if I’d remained in either of those marriages, I would not have evolved and grown to attract the people and experiences I have since them. Today, I have no regrets…not for saying I do, neither for changing my mind.
The only thing that’s not optional for me in life is my happiness, and I am the only one responsible for that! I’ve been divorced now for over a decade and often look back at those lives with bewilderment. My personal development producing the ability to lead self with independent thought and confidence now is a peaceful space. I SO, couldn’t do that then.
GREATEST LESSON: To really love somebody is demonstrated through absolute acceptance. If there’s anything, at all, that you’ve not embraced and try to change about him/her – I can assure you that divorce doesn’t have to be an option in your mind, it will be inevitable in your life. People can only live under those conditions, but, so long.
We’re Growin’ UP…Grown IS Sexy!
And hey, I’m listening…tell me what you think – leave a comment.
Here’s the ultimate demonstration of how a woman’s use of her powers can build a man. Indulge me as I share this story:
One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn’t too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president’s secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.
The 1st Lady and The President
Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, why was he so interested in talking to you. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.
President Obama then said, “So if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant”, to which Michelle responded, “no, if I had married him, he would now be the President”.
Truth: I have no way of knowing if this is true but it’s demonstrative of a woman who knows her power and how to use it. For too many women, you exercise your wiles and keep getting better at it for your own gain – which is temporary – when you’re capable of not just healing a man and increasing his desire to be a better man (along with his desire to be better to and for you), but propelling him which propels you.
That’s the power of a woman…if only each one knew it.
Gon’ 1st Lady…LOVE HER! Hell, I am her…are you? Where’s your “Exhibit A”? Proof is in the puddin’, Babaay (in my NOLA voice).
It’s time to grow up…Grown IS Sexy!
I DARE YOU TO SHARE THIS WITH SOMEBODY Each One, Teach One to Build One
One can’t help but feel warm and fuzzy for Ted Williams and his seemingly miraculous journey from homeless to hopeful. But unless a life transformation support system is put in place to secure his success he will soon be helpless, and possibly homeless, again.
It’s hard to find anybody who hasn’t been affected by addiction. Addicts and their family and friends know that it’s a BEAST! The combination of drugs, years of homelessness (especially after knowing a level of success), the added shame, isolation and criminal activity inevitably means a turbulent and long mental, emotional and physiological road ahead for Williams.
A Media and Marketing Ploy
Second chances are great, but let’s be real: These “miracles” of raining job opportunities and employment contracts for Ted Williams are not the end of his trials, but rather the beginning. His sudden access to income poses as much threat as they do potential, so failing to treat his situation holistically is nothing short of a set up for him and his family for even more, greater disappointment.
From Whence Ted Came
A real commitment to Ted Williams would include a life transformation support system that will teach him how to thrive in his new life. Anything other than that is a media ploy of good will that will only benefit its marketers.
(Since posting this blog much has happened with Ted. Here’s a time line of sorts – a journalists account of the media’s “inability to resist the rags to riches to rehab storyline”)
Mommy Cares, but Skeptical
As she should be after 20 plus years of promises and disappointments, “Mommy” (it’s what 54 year old Ted calls his mother) has more proof that Ted won’t make it than she does that he will. From all public accounts she seems to be set in her beliefs and ways. Like all Mommies, Ms. Julia’s got her own issues. Sure, Mommy wants better for him. But she’s probably not capable of playing a supportive role, at least in the beginning, in Ted’s transformative journey toward stability.
Ms. Julia is who and what she is – for her son’s good or not. She clearly, above all, wants her son to succeed, to make the most of the new opportunities he’s been presented with. And she’s clearly naïve about the intrinsic nature of transformations because her message hasn’t changed – pray. But if natural talent and prayer were enough it would’ve been enough 20 years ago – it was not enough then, and it’s not enough now.
There are many other videos of Ms. Julia’s feelings about Ted. You’ll find them with a quick Google search or at the end of each of these there are links to others.
Have you ever had somebody who served up regular reminders of what a mess you’ve made of your life? Ms. Williams is consumed with the “shame” Ted’s brought on her and their family. She was incapable of just being happy for him; focusing on his being there with her after two decades apart; appreciating that her son is in a better position than she thought was possible for him; and savoring the moment.
Instead, she speaks more of the hurt, pain, shame, and disappointment Ted’s life has brought her than the opportunities for redemption (isn’t that what she’s been praying for?), sustainable living, reconciliation with his children and grandchildren, not to mention the gift to the world he can give again because the man does have a set of pipes that’s soothing to the soul.
Others are not your problem, rather what you BELIEVE about others.
Totally unintentionally, she’d keep him in the past – making it tough to live in the now in order to create a productive future. After all, it’s where she lives – in the past wrongs that she BELIEVES Ted has done to her.
Role of Religion
Her husband (Ted’s father) was a Jehovah’s Witness and Mommy goes to “a nice church” (her words) in Brooklyn. Now depending on what side of the coin you’re on, their prayers have finally worked or their religion is what’s pushed Ted away. All due respect to religions and spiritual beliefs but here’s the thing about redemption and miracles, they need cooperation. Ted needs some life skills to deal with where he’s been, what he’s lived and what he BELIEVES about it all in order to successfully navigate where he’s going.
Opportunity is Doomed without Transformation
While many are throwing money at him right now, along with that he needs refining because the moment he embarrasses one of his sponsors, the rug will be pulled and he’ll become the man who was given such tremendous opportunities, but blew it!
What Ted Williams needs is time and space to grow, along with the opportunities. He needs teachers who’ll be friends, too – who will treat him tenderly yet firmly as he develops confidence, discipline, focus and patience. Because voiceover work is about more than speaking; it’s often a game of hurry up, wait and do overs. He’ll need permission to miss it while trying to make it in daily interactions because in the media business, interpersonal and social skills are imperative. He needs to know that it’s okay to be afraid, but not to the point of impeding progress. And he shouldn’t be expected to be an All Star overnight, rather he must be given space to learn – NEXT Decision BETTER, Ted!
Inner City Athletes-Rappers Success Syndrome (ICARSS)
Yeah, I made that up. But the way inner-city kids/young adults who aren’t used to having money and fame screw up opportunities by continuing to operate in all that they know – without any new skills to deal with their new lives – is what we can expect from Ted Williams without a transformation support system. This would include drug counseling and support in recovery, family and relationship therapy, life-skills development, etc., to help in his many transitions.
The list of examples of ICARSS is CRAZY: Lil Wayne, Mike Tyson, Lil Kim, Michael Vick, T.I., Ray Lewis, Mystikal, Ricky Williams, RemyMa, Lawrence Taylor, GucciMane, Michael Irvin, C-Murder, Ray Carruth, Foxy Brown. And the list of self destructive behaviors and collateral damage goes on and on, from jail to broke and every kind of trouble in between, until they learned to effectively live their new lives and acclimate to changing environments.
No, Ted Williams is not a kid – he’s well into his 50s – proof that age has nothing to do with effective living. Everyone has the capacity to learn, as proven by most of the ICARRS examples I just mentioned, but what he needs to learn in order to be considered a success will happen over time, not over night and he WILL have some hiccups and setbacks – many of which are already being set up.
He’s never had an apartment, yet they’ve offered him a house…Set up!
He’s not paid bills yet they’re trusting him to be financially responsible…Set up!
According to him, he hadn’t spoken with his mother in a decade nor seen her in two decades, yet they put them on national television for a “reunion” exposing their vulnerabilities and the dysfunctionality of their relationship…Set up!
He’s not had a relationship with his children, lived on the streets for 20 years, begged to eat, became a repeat felon to support an alcohol and drug addiction and now he’s got thousands of dollars in income being offered, without any new skills to deal with any of it…HUGE Set UP!
I want the best for Ted Williams and I hope that those offering him all these wonderful opportunities will collectively commit to him as a project because he’ll need mental and emotional stability – tools to be responsible to and for self and accountable to those paying him. At this point, he’s not even remotely able to handle the pressure of suddenly being depended upon, to be fiscally prudent or to be a real success story.
Praying and hoping for the best is not the same as properly assessing what is and effectively plotting a course that ensures success.
A RESOLUTION is a process toward an intention, not an abrupt ending nor an assurance of change upon a declared date.
Who in the world went and changed the whole definition of a resolution – setting us all up for disappointments, year after year? Let’s get it straight so that our resolutions are really achievable this year, and every year!
New Year’s Resolutions usually entail stopping and/or starting something:
Start a Diet
Stop Cursing
Start Working Out
Stop Drinking
Start Eating Broccoli
Stop Smoking
Start Going to Church
Stop Lying
Start Spending More Time with my Children
Stop Cheating
…Add Yours
The thing about these starts and stops is that in order to actually do them, you’ve got to change your relationships with them. Yes, you have ‘relationships’ with the things you do and/or don’t do.
We’re all conditioned…so in order to resolve your relationship with the thing you want to start or stop, along with setting your intention, you’ve got to commit to Recondition how you think, feel and respond to it, to Deprogram how you think, feel and respond to it, and to Retrain yourself in more advantageous ways to think about, feel about and respond to it…in some cases it means REparenting because for a lot of us…we get IT from our Mommas and Daddys.
That’s not an indictment of your parents, IT is what it is. The bottom line is that parents can only give you what they’ve got. Full grown adults still blaming their parents for what they’re doing is SO unattractive – YOU are YOUR responsibility…what you think, how you feel and what you do, or don’t do…your decisions are yours – you get credit and consequences. Whatever your life IS or IS NOT, it’s YOURS. No more BLAME, nor SHAME. It’s your life: OWN it – just as it is, CHOOSE it – the good, bad and ugly, CHANGE it – as long as you can breathe and learn IT can get better.
Be kinder to you! Making commitments toward resolutions to yourself, instead of promises to others, is a great start. Sure, hold yourself accountable for what you do or don’t do, but don’t beat you up! One of the biggest hindrances to progress is getting stuck on the “bad” thing you do or the “wrong” decision you make, rather than being determined to make a better decision the next time. The person you most have to ‘prove’ to is you. Once you’re confident in your ability to change because you’ve proven it; that evidence of doing better will also have you feeling better. When you feel good about you, you’ll automatically desire more of it and attract it unto yourself, thus progressive change.
Resolutions are kept because you evolve; you change and the things around you change too.
Five things you can do to improve your relationship with the things you want to change/resolve in your life:
1.) Commit to the Process: Recondition, Deprogram, Retrain…for some it means, Reparent.
2.) Be Kind to Yourself by Eliminating Contrasting Concepts: Good/Bad and Right/Wrong…it just “is” and you’re making IT better.
3.) Don’t make promises – Don’t Talk About IT just Be About IT
4.) Keep the Momentum – The person you most have to prove to is yourself, then you can be proud and change will speak for itself.
5.) NEXT Decision BETTER; it’s ALWAYS within reach and NEVER a set up for disappointment
Here’s the beauty of treating resolutions as a process rather than a promise…the promise to start or stop something by a date with no new skills to accomplish is a set up for you to fail and for others to be disappointed, but with a commitment to resolve in 2011, you’ve got all year to do it! And now, you’ve got the formula: one decision at a time making your NEXT Decision BETTER than the LAST.
So, for your 2011 Resolution…Commit to the Process of a Change, Live without Contrasting Concepts, Only Make Promises to Yourself, Maintain Momentum Toward Your Intention and Adapt the Mantra, “NEXT Decision BETTER”!
This Jan 1st, be kinder to you! Years ago, I made a commitment to self to be my best me. “NEXT Decision BETTER” is my life mantra and it’s never let me down even when others feel I’ve let them down – all I can do is my best, and that’s good enough for me. Just decide to do and be, BETTER! Are you with me? We’re Growin’ UP, Grown IS Sexy!
Here’s to a Happier, Transformative You in 2011 and Beyond!
Doing IT Better with ZARA! NEXT Decision…BETTERthan your LAST !
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